The Daily Tannenbaum

Can I rant about Halloween for a minute?

October 28, 2008 · 23 Comments

In theory, I love Halloween.  The mixture of fall decorations, cute costumes, and low humidity is right up my alley.  On the flip side, there’s an influx of slutty costumes that spit in the face of modern feminism, a bit too much cold, rainy weather (like today) and the fact that I have to spend money buying candy for the beggar children.

This month, I made a commitment to spend less money in general, which is why I’m not jazzed about the fact that I dropped $10 on 5 bags of candy at the grocery store last night.

I have no idea if I’ll get many trick-or-treaters at the new apartment, but I would certainly hate to be unprepared and have to turn off my lights at 6:00 and hide in the bathroom lest I get egged for not spending my hard-earned money on proliferating diabetes and obesity in today’s youth.

There’s also a chance that I may not be home on Friday night, because I have a handful of friends who are doing stuff that night, and I might want to join them.  If I’m not home to give away candy, I have all that stuff sitting in the house, tempting me during the month of November.  I suppose I could donate it to a charity, but that just doesn’t feel as altruistic as offering up goods that are not just empty calories, so if I do that, I’ll end up spending about $20 on canned goods in addition to the chocolate so I don’t feel so sheepish when I donate.

When I was a kid, I was a determined little trick-or-treater, and I’m sure I picked up more than $10 worth of candy each year, and that’s in 1980s dollars.  So maybe this is just the case of what comes around going around, but I still can’t shake that annoyed feeling about the candy purchase.  I probably should have kept my wallet in my pocked and printed out a “no candy at this residence” signs that the convicted sex offenders have.  That would be assurance I’d be left alone not just Friday night, but for the rest of the time I live at this apartment.

→ 23 CommentsCategories: White Box Living
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This Weekend

October 27, 2008 · 22 Comments

This weekend, I had both a craving for roasted pumpkin seeds and a need to support my favorite Presidential candidate in a creative way.  So I killed two birds with one stone.  First the seeds:

I took the yeild from one pumpkin, which was 2 cups, after sorting out all the gunk.  I mixed them with 2 1/2 tablespoons of butter, a 1/4 teaspoon of salt and a 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon.  Then I roasted them on a cookie sheet in a 300 degree oven for 45 minutes.  The result?  Delicousness.

Then I took my empty pumpkin and a print out from the website Yes We Carve.  I chose the simple design and went to town.  Now there is no doubt that when you come to my back door, you’re arriving at the home of an Obama supporter:

That is unless you are the two people who came over on Saturday for game night who thought I just put a random design in the pumpkin, or the two people who thought I was being funny by carving a pumpkin shape into a pumpkin, or if you’re the one other person who came over and didn’t even see the pumpkin at all.  What can I say, my local friends, they just don’t follow political campaigns and logos like I do.  But maybe after I explained my masterpiece to them, they’ll think about heading out to their local polling place on November 4th!

And in other news of the weekend, I had yet another swim meet that went swimmingly.  I didn’t get 1st in my one competitive race, I got 2nd by 20 seconds.  But I’m going to blame that on the fact that the girl who won is a better swimmer. Also, the meet was super small, and at the last minute they changed the 500 freestyle from two heats to one heat, so after thinking I had about eight minutes before my swim, I had to hop right in.  And almost as soon as I finished that race, it was time for the next one.  In fact, the race got through almost 20 events in just about two hours, so almost every warm-down from the race before was actually a warm-up for the race afterward, and I almost died by the time I got to my last event because it was go, go go!  We didn’t get medals OR ribbons, but instead the meet directors gave us these cool certificates that they decorated for the holiday.  I additionally decorated mine using Gimp:

I like this better than my college diploma.

All in all, another fine weekend under my belt.

→ 22 CommentsCategories: My Heart Bleeds Blue · Obey Your Masters

Eat my bubbles

October 24, 2008 · 16 Comments

I’ve got another swim meet coming up this Sunday.  It’s a really small one up in the Adirondacks, so I’m only swimming in five events.  I’m not certain if this race rewards swimmers with medals or ribbons, but either way, I’m guaranteed to place first in my age group in four events.  But as for the fifth, I have real competition this time!  And furthermore, it’s from a girl who swims in my lane at the pool, so we’re pretty evenly matched.  The problem is that the race we share is the first event, and it’s the 500 yard freestyle, which I planned on swimming sort of slowly so I could warm up for the other events.

But what’s the point of racing at warming up pace just to compete against myself in the other four races?

The other point to note is that I’m carpooling to the race with my competitor. I could use those two and a half hours to psyche her out, but I’m no good at intentional mind games, they always backfire one me.  Maybe I’ll just offer her some homemade jam laced with muscle relaxer.

But I don’t have any homemade jam.  Or muscle relaxer, or anything else that would ruin performance without creating murder for that matter.  Also, I think I just sent her an email with my blog signature on the bottom, so there’s a slight chance she might have clicked on the link and read this entire post, which I think would destroy any bond of trust we developed by being lane mates.

I suppose that means I just wrote myself into the corner of having to swim a fair race.  And maybe that was my point all along.  Oh well.  May the best swimmer (or me) win!

→ 16 CommentsCategories: Obey Your Masters

This Depression’s gonna be great!

October 23, 2008 · 26 Comments

There was more bad news in the stock market yesterday.  I hate the stock market, because for the life of me I can’t figure out what is going on over there, but I know all that crap is eventually going to roll downhill to the rest of us. I know that back in 1929, the great expanse of the country that had no dealings with the market thought they were safe.  Then the 30’s hit and everybody lost everything.  (pretty much)

These days, a majority of Americans think we’re headed for another depression.  I wish I could ask my grandparents what the first one was like so I could be prepared for it, but alas, I only have one left, and he probably can’t help me much this far into his senility.  So instead, I turned to the internet.

Reasons this new depression will be worse than the great one:

  • We just don’t have the fedora power to make the breadlines look fashion forward:

  • Everybody these days is just to PC to say what they really mean:

  • You just can’t get the same kind of flavor from your bathtub hooch by using a modern-day bath fitter tub.


You need the original claw foot porcelain, and good luck finding that in this economy!

  • Before those pesky child labor laws, newspapers were sold by adorable orphans (who sometimes sang and danced in unison!) and when you were done reading the paper, you could use it for TP, unlike that online subscription you’re currently using.

but there are…

Reasons the current depression is going to be a greater depression!

  • We won’t have bread lines.  Too fattening.  But we will have low-carb muffin lines!*

  • The banks may freeze us out of our foreclosed homes, but thanks to global warming, we won’t freeze while living on the streets!

  • You don’t need to spend your ten cents on a dance when you have internet porn! Just hide your PC from the repo man and steal that wifi signal from your neighbor!

I’m having trouble coming up with anything else good… But I’m an optimist, and I’m sure that despite my most recent 401(k) having smaller numbers than the one before it, the future is going to be great! (as long as I don’t get injured, pregnant, or old, or otherwise unable to work two to three jobs.)

*Come to think of it, I would prefer bread over fake muffins any day.

→ 26 CommentsCategories: Bringing home the bacon · Getting Hot in Herrrre · Purely Fiction
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Happy birthday Dad!

October 22, 2008 · 24 Comments

Since I’ve never met every dad in the world, I can’t truthfully make the claim that my father is “the best Dad in the world,” but he’s my favorite dad ever, and today’s his birthday!  This is us in Nappa Valley earlier this year:

I got my inability to keep my eyes open while smiling from his side of the family, as you can see here.

So what makes him so great? For one thing, I’m a well-adjusted (for the most part) grown-up partially because of his great parenting. And then there are these other things I love about him:

1. The story of how my parents met.  I wasn’t there, so this is the makeshift version that exists in my head after hearing it a few times.  My mother had been dating a few guys that just weren’t great.  At dinner one night with her childhood friend and her friend’s new husband, she told them, “I just wish I could meet a guy who isn’t all about smoking and drinking and parties.  The kind of guy you marry.”  And that’s when her friend’s husband thought of his acquaintance at the law firm and said, “Oh Elizabeth, do I have the man for you.”

2. My dad biked to work before it was cool.  Back when he was a lawyer in the city, instead of driving a car to the park and ride like all the other commuters, he rode his bike to the park and ride and then took the bus into the city.  Sometimes, if the weather was bad, my mom, sister and I would pick him up at the bus at the end of the day so he wouldn’t have to bike in the rain.  Every time we did that, he would always ask why we were there, and when we thought he wasn’t being grateful enough, we’d say, “Oh Dad, go jog home!”

3. But when working in the city got to be too time consuming, he made a commitment to spend more time with his family and went into the bookselling business with my mom.  It was so wonderful to have him home for dinners again, and he even took the time to coach my softball team.  I still wasn’t any good or anything, but I think the other girls really liked that of all the coaches, he was the most level-headed and the least likely to ever get angry and yell.  Ever.

4. Which brings me to the other thing that’s great about Dad.  The only times I’ve ever seen him angry are when Pitt loses at football or basketball, or when the football or baseball Giants lose.  Or when something goes wrong with something electronic.  And even then, it’s only a moment that he’s mad, and you can usually make a joke about something and he snaps out of it.

5. And that brings me to sports and my dad, a topic I believe I’ve covered in the past.  He’s one of the most loyal people in the entire world.  And that is why he still supports the San Fransisco Giants, even though they have not won the World Series since 1954.  That was the year he first started supporting them, because they were a New York team at the time.  And that’s why I’m a Mets fan; because in the pure days before inter-leauge play, we would go to see the Giants whenever they were in town, which meant they were playing The Mets.  Come to think of it, I first started liking the Mets in 1986 when they won the World Series.  I hope that doesn’t mean that my poor team is just as doomed as Dad’s, although…

We went to a Giants game on that same trip to San Fran. Of the four home games they played while we were there, we caught the only one they lost.

6. When I broke my ankle almost a year ago, I lived with my parents for a few weeks.  In that time, I had to make a number of trips back to the Hudson Valley for appointments.  Without ever complaining (except maybe once when we had to leave at 6am) Dad drove me the hour and twenty minutes there and back each time, and stayed during the unbearable waiting rooms, quitely reading the paper.  I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t have been able to count on him, and I’m hoping that he’s available on January 15, 2009, the day I’m getting the pins out again.

7. He was my first swimming teacher.  I was born in January of 1978, and there are pictures of me in the summer of 1978, just a few months old, splashing around in the lake with Dad.  He looked so happy, and had a lot more hair…  (He used to like to blame me for hair loss because he would carry me around on his shoulders when I was a toddler, and I would pull it out.  I believed that story for a long time.)

8. There’s a picture of him as a kid wearing a Roy Rodgers shirt.  The picture is hanging in my parents’ house.  In it, he looks like a little hellion, and reminds me of the kid from the movie A Christmas Story. I guess it’s no wonder that he’ll watch all 24 hours of the marathon when they do it at Christmastime, if we don’t stop him for pesky things like dinner.

9. I feel really bad about EZ-Pass when it comes to Dad.  As previously mentioned, he’s pretty much the most straight-laced guy when it comes to a lot of things.  But he used to LOVE throwing the change into tollbooths and racing off before the light turned green.  It was the one place in the world where he got to be a real badass, because it’s the one thing in the world that’s easier to do when you’re left-handed.  But the man just can’t be bothered to wait in long lines on the highway, so since he got his EZ-Pass, he’s been looking for a new outlet for his attitude.

10.  There’s only room in my heart to love one Republican, and it’s him.  Because I still can’t understand what my otherwise logical, highly intelligent and socially liberal father sees in the Republican party, I chalk up his allegiance to his fierce loyalty to Abraham Lincoln.  That’s why we can get along so well to this day.  Even if our conversations do stray to the political (just the other night I tried to corner him by bringing up the fact that he once served on a board with a former member of the Weather Underground, and he countered by mentioning that Ohio is not going to have enough time to check all their ballots for faulty registrants) we agree to disagree in the end, usually with the common refrain, “your mother and I have cancelled each other out in every election.”

So that’s my great dad, who I hope is having a great day.  Happy birthday!

→ 24 CommentsCategories: family matters

Multi-media

October 20, 2008 · 17 Comments

Holy cow, I did absolutely nothing on Sunday, only leaving the house once to go grocery shopping and once to attempt a run, although my breathing issues procluded me from going longer than 20 minutes, so I can’t even count it.  What I did do is spend a lot of time reading, watching, and listening to some really good and really bad stuff.

Reading: I finished Cecilia Galante’s The Patron Saint of Butterflies.  It’s a YA novel about two girls who grow up in a religious cult.  It was “miss your subway stop” good, so I’m glad I read it in my living room where there was no chance of me ending up in Far Rockaway.

Movies: I’m on a bit of a spending freeze this month, so I declined to see W this weekend, and instead I relied on my Netflix.  The disparate choices this weekend were 80’s classic Mannequin and The Piano Teacher, one of the 1,001 movies I must see before I die.  I already knew I loved Mannequin, and I watched it with an appreciation that they just don’t make movies like that anymore.  Nowadays, people prefer their plots to “make sense,” or at least have a lot of T&A.  As for The Piano Teacher, *in a Men on Film voice* Hated It!  While the acting was good, the overall fuckedupedness of the rest of the movie did not make up for that.  It almost made me want to start hating the French, it was that bad.  In short, I only watched 3/4ths of the movie, but once the Piano Teacher started making out with her own mother, I decided that I’ll be fine if I die without finishing it.

TV: OMG, everything you heard about The Wire is true.  The show is more addictive than the herion being sold on the streets of Baltimore.  The cats woke me up at 5AM on Sunday with their incessant catfighting and when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I stayed up to watch three epidsodes to finish up Season 4.  I was going to pace myself before moving on to the final season, but by the end of the day, I decided I couldn’t wait and put Season 5 on the top of my queue.

Listening: There’s a local band called The Felice Brothers, and I popped on some of their music while making five days of Falafel for lunch this week.  The songs are still in my head.  Now they can be in yours:

Sports: Is there some kind of baseball thing going on this week?  The Mets aren’t in it though, right?  Meh.  I can’t say I was bothered to watch any kind of sports this weekend.

The Internet: Again, I ignored it.  All weekend, except for one time when I went to check the weather, and one time when I checked the TV listings.  (Note: in the years since I’ve been TV-less, there is still nothing good on Sunday afternoons.)  I didn’t miss anything, did I?

→ 17 CommentsCategories: Drop Everything And Read · Hooray for Hollywood · Just Post A Link · shilling
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You’re too damn close

October 17, 2008 · 26 Comments

On my way to watch this week’s kickball game, I was behind an ass-ugly yellow Aztek with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m only speeding cause I really have to poop.”  Yeah.  And in addition, there was actually an icon of of a steaming pile of poo on the sticker.  Yeah.  And in addition to THAT, the other side of the car had a blank black rectangle, as if there had once been a bumper sticker there, and the car owner removed it, along with all the paint.  I took a picture with my camera:

What’s even more mystifying to me than this stupid bumper sticker and this ugly-ass car is the removed sticker.  At one time, there was a bumper sticker the owner wanted to display LESS than the one publicly announcing his or her need to defecate.  It made me wonder, what could be worse?

The top 10 bumper stickers that are so much worse than “I’m only speeding cause I really have to poop” they are worth removing the paint on your car to take them off:

10. I was going to go to college, but I became a cop instead. (Or really, anything that insults the people who have the authority to pull your ass over.)

9. I’m only driving erratically because I’m orgasmic.

8.  Jesus is Coming!  Look busy.

7.

It says, "I am Joe the Plumber"

(In some odd kind of coincidence, The Dutchess of Kickball also took a photo of a bumper sticker she saw today and sent this to me. She says this one was taped on to the back of the car in some kind of makeshift need for expression.)

6. If you’re going to get this far up my ass, at least buy me dinner first.

5. If you can read this, thank a teacher.  If you are reading this in English, thank a soldier. (I saw this on a car in town the other day.  It made me happy and then mad, and then sort of confused, and then annoyed, and then I almost rear-ended the car while I was sorting out my feelings.)

4. Basically anything smaller than 72 point font that causes people to get right up on your bumper to read your ridiculous message to the world.

3. I just ate three bran muffins and a drank a fifth of coffee.  Dare me to drive?

2. I’m straight The Christian but not narrow right is neither. (I knew a guy in college who had two bumper stickers, “I’m straight but not narrow” and “The Christian Right is Neither” placed on his car right next to each other.  They were both white with purple writing and on two lines, so if you looked at it quickly, it read like that.  So if you’re going to make the back of your car a billboard for everything you believe, make sure to space appropriately.)

1. McCain/Palin 2008

If you’re dying for more bumper sticker action, check out this site that I found while researching.  Also, it appears that you can buy the original bumper sticker if you really want you own, I’m sorry it say that it’s sold out.  (And that’s the only time I’ll ever link to Amazon.)

→ 26 CommentsCategories: It happened in the H.V.
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