Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to pronounce I was back to blogging with a vengance, seeing that I only made time to write one post last week.
Why?
- Have I been feeling helpless? Check.
- Losing interest in activities I used to love? (ie. maintaining a blog…) Check.
- Appetite and weight changes? Check.
- Wanting to sleep all the time? Check.
- Losing concentration and being unable to make a decision? Check.
- Feeling kind of worthless and miserable? Check.
- Believing that life is not worth living? not quite check.
I took that list from a “signs of clinical depression” website, a malady that manifests in my life from time to time. But it was only when my life got turned upside down when my company went out of business and I tried picking up the pieces by doing something I don’t love that I’ve felt depressed for an extended period of time.
Years ago when I became concerned that I’m always tired, I saw a doctor to figure out why. She did blood work and all that, and on paper I came back fine. She suggested that I try eating healthy (veggies and brown rice!) and working out, and if that didn’t help, then maybe I’m just the kind of person who needs lots of sleep. And as an afterthought, she asked me if I had ever seen a therapist to get checked out for depression.
Not wanting to label myself and worried about the stigma and blah blah blah, I procrastinated for a while (another sign of depression!) but finally made an appointment to meet with the one therapist covered by my plan. (It was cheap insurance.) Before the meeting, I had to fill out an extensive checklist asking questions like “do you hear things that aren’t there?” and “how horrible is your relationship with your mother?” Even as a lay person, I’m pretty sure my checklist came back as 100% problem free. During my hour with the therapist I told her how much I loved my family and that I think of suicide as an easy way out, but ultimately a selfish decision that means never finding out how it all ends, so in short, not an option. She was like, “great, then why are you here other than being tired? Have you thought about eating more healthy food and working out?”
In hindsight, maybe my cheap health care subsidized by Whole Foods or something. After our meeting, the therapist gave me a book on cognitive behavior therapy and said I should call her again when I had a real problem. That was years ago in another city and three health insurance carriers ago, so I don’t think I’ll be giving her a call this time. And despite the fact that my friends gave me six pounds of heirloom tomatoes from their CSA overflow, I’m still having trouble getting motiviated to do things like going to the gym and searching a new job that could potentially end this vicious cycle.
But I’m making myself blog, darnit! So that’s a start.
3carnations said,
August 24, 2009 at 7:21 am
Good luck finding the best way to make things better for you.
In the mid nineties, I went to a general practitioner (who I had never seen before) for stomach pains. After a 10 minute consultation, I left with a diagnosis of depression and a prescription for Paxil. I took it for a month; it made me nauseous; I stopped taking it. I’m not sure a doctor can diagnose a new patient with depression based on a symptom of stomach pain and a ten minute consultation. But then again, I’m not a doctor. The stomach pains went away on their own, though.
That seems like a classic case of just throwing medication at a problem… I would have probably never filled that prescription.
nancypearlwannabe said,
August 24, 2009 at 7:50 am
I think this story is the exact reason I’ve always feared trying therapy. If I went in and they were like, “what the hell are you doing here? You have no real problems!” I’d probably be more depressed than when I went in.
Anyway, at least you have blogging, and you can always try the therapy route again with someone who actually knows how to do their job. Or you can gchat me up, it will be like free comedy therapy!
I like free friend therapy the best. I actually felt a lot better after spending time with some friends over the weekend.
Allie said,
August 24, 2009 at 8:59 am
It took me about a gazillion years to find a good therapist. Mine says awesomely funny things like, “Who died and made you god?” when I get overly worried about everyone else, and he walked me through one of the biggest changes in my life. But he’s really the only good one I’ve ever been to. And the bad ones can make you feel oh so much worse. I found him b/c I asked my GYN if he knew anyone – they actually interviewed a bunch of people to find someone they wanted to recommend. Maybe your doc does something similar?
I’m so sorry you’ve got the blahs. I have been there! For me, exercise is usually the beginning of the answer, but it’s so hard to get started! You will get through this, and you will feel better again. It’s hard to remember that sometimes, but you will.
OK, I’m going to the gym tonight, because I lack the stamina to start a therapist search.
lizgwiz said,
August 24, 2009 at 11:36 am
I think 6 pounds of heirloom tomatoes would make me happy right now, if only for the time it took to eat them, though I can’t think of anything else that really would. I’ve been sort of “blah” myself. Plus I think I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday…
Think you broke up? That actually sounds worse than knowing you did.
Kate said,
August 24, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Depression runs in my family and I’ve been battling it my whole life. I’ve been to a number of therapists and I will say this — there are a lot of not-so-good ones, but when you find a great one, he or she can make such a difference. I am still thanking my lucky stars I found Dr. Turner when I did!
It’s something to keep in mind, but I’m pretty sure I’m not in the market at the moment. I’m going to let finding a career be my therapy for the meantime.
Knot said,
August 24, 2009 at 1:21 pm
It’s quite possible you are sleep deprived. And I mean you may have sleep apnea or something like that. I was a lot like you. I ended up having massive tonsil and mouth surgery and I haven’t been better. Getting a good night’s sleep is really helping. Has anyone told you that you snore? If so, it could be that.
And I say this with compassion, but could this also coincide with your monthly cycle. I notice that a lot in my 3 girls. They all get symptomatic around when the moon is full.
Sometimes I find myself getting more emotional than normal based on my cycle, Knot, understander of all things feminine… But I can tell you that this is different. This is lacking a purpose sad. The doctor and I did briefly discuss sleep problems, but I didn’t have any of the symptoms other than being tired.
Courtney said,
August 24, 2009 at 1:51 pm
So sorry you’ve been feeling this way, Noelle. I’ve not been to therapy, but I have heard from others that it takes time to find the right therapist. Maybe it’s something you could pursue.
Yeah, again, not something that I want to do right now, but not ruling it out for the future.
Kristabella said,
August 24, 2009 at 2:12 pm
As you know, I’m struggling with the same thing.
That kind of questionnaire at that therapist really bothers me. Because while yes, you could be just sleep deprived, it sounds like there is more to it. And as someone who battles depression, it isn’t a major life event that affects it and you don’t have to think about killing yourself to be depressed. And the sad thing is, we should be caring for the people who are depressed and not at the point of harming themselves because then that means they are close to rock bottom!
It’s hard to find a therapist. I would try again. I’m in the same boat and I didn’t like my last one and I’m nervous about trying to find another one. Because the last one told me I spent too much time online and that about killed me since blogging and interacting with my online friends is one of the few things that always brings me joy.
Hang in there! Like I said, if you ever need to talk, I’m here. Even though I’m pretty much a stranger!
I appreciate that! I have noticed that pulling myself up and just dealing with it does make me feel better, but that can be fleeting. For me, this moment it time feels so related to my specific situation. That’s part of the reason I’m blogging about it now. Getting it out feels good, and I’m not going to lie: All this support is awesome, too.
Megan said,
August 24, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Finding a good therapist is hell. Some therapists just suck, and it sounds like the one you saw just might fall into that bucket.
I’m not exactly sure where it is you live in NY, but I know a terrific practice of CBTists in Nyack if you want a recommendation. I was an anxious, depressed mess for years before I found them.
Aaron said,
August 24, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I thought you might enjoy a comment that didn’t feature the word “therapist”…aw, crap.
Missy said,
August 24, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Sounds like you need a career coach, not a therapist. Reminds me that our son took a test to see what his career proclivities were– either a lawyer or a ventriloquist as I recall! He is neither– surprise!– but if you list the things you really love and talk with someone who knows their stuff you might make some progress.
How about the career center where you did your undergrad work? They may have some suggestions to start with. Can they hook you up with a network of graduates in fields you may be considering? Is grad school while working at a non-career job to pay the rent a possibility?
I’m thinking of you– you have too much to offer to be stuck in a job you don’t like! Be assured this will make a good story some day and you will be able to help others in the same boat because of it. Maybe you should be a career counselor or a college librarian!
rdl said,
August 24, 2009 at 9:09 pm
speaking as someone who has dealt with it most of my life. i say see a therapist, take meds, whatever it takes to get out of the funk. nothing to be ashamed of, if you had diabetes you’d take the medication. wish there wasn’t such a stigma, but i think it’s getting less cause it’s so commonplace now and frankly, who give’s a damn anyway. just my 2 cents.
sorry for the re-comment. not used to the comment link on the top of post.
cadiz12 said,
September 2, 2009 at 7:04 pm
wow, my answers to your little checklist up top are exactly the same as yours. probably because i’m on day two of a job i’m doing only for benefits/steady paycheck and realize that everything i’ve slaved over for the last decade means pretty much nothing to anyone with any say over my livelihood.
if you figure out a non-therapist solution to feeling better, please let me know.