This morning, like many mornings, I woke up and felt a dull soreness in my leg where I broke my ankle. My first thought, the one that immediately preceded “I’m really glad I didn’t shut down my blog because I want to write this down” was that I wish I could go back in time to stop myself from breaking my ankle. There’s not much good to say about having broken my ankle It hurts from time to time, I lost flexibility, it cost me money and my feeling of independence. I tried to make the most of the incident, but my life would be better if I had never broken my ankle.
That got me to thinking what other events I would change if I could go back in time.
My first thought was that I’d like my grandmother not to die so young because I barely knew her, and everyone always spoke so highly of her. But even if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t be able to keep her alive. That was out of anyone’s control.
Then I started thinking of other things I want to change about my past, and I thought of all the wasted hours I spent mindlessly watching TV, all the junk food I ate as a kid, and all the nights I stayed in because I was too shy to go out, and the people that I treated more kindly. But none of those were singular incidents, so I can’t set the machine to a time, day and place to stop myself.
I also thought that I’d like to go back to the night when I said something that insulted my former best friend. She said that was the reason she no longer wants to be my friend because of what I said, but didn’t tell me that until years later. So that makes me think that our friendship ended not just because of one thing I said, and probably would have been doomed anyway, because she gets easily offended, and I often misspeak. There’s no point in trying to take back one offhand comment.
As I started reviewing my own history, I thought about my relationship with Birmingham. I’m still sad that’s over, and we don’t really talk anymore, which also makes me sad, but I don’t regret the time we had together, so I’m going to skip right over that and keep it in my life when time machines get invented. There’s no doubt those were some good years of my life that I want to keep.
As I remember one of the worst parts of my life, I think of the last movie that I worked on which was awful in most every way. I was so desperately unhappy working on that movie, knowing I was in the wrong business, and hating everyone around me. But if I hadn’t done that movie, I would have never had the need to try something new, which led me to take a job in the Hudson Valley. Even though the job that brought me here didn’t last and now I sell insurance for a living (something that is so completely not easy) I don’t regret that at all. I’m too early in on my new career to decide if I would do things over. Some days I want to stop so badly, but quitters never win, and the good days are really really good.
I decided I was going to keep thinking about my life until I could come up with just two more incidents that I’d like to change because I’d be better off for it. My criteria was that they had to be avoidable, specific, and the net outcome was bad.
We’ve established that the first time machine trip would be to November 1 2007, kickball field, approximately 6:30PM. I’d land the machine, point to myself and say, “Just bunt the ball and run. Don’t try any fancy kicking. Better yet, just keep score.”
From there, I would go to late spring 2002. I had a week off from the play I was doing, and I decided to go to LA. The Man Of Action joined me for a few days, then I had a day to myself, and then I went to visit a former co-worker. On the day to myself, I went to Venice Beach. After lying on the beach on a towel, I felt sunburned on my stomach, so I drove up to Santa Monica to hang out there for a while. I got bored and wanted more beach time, so I put on a shirt and fell asleep on my stomach. What I didn’t know was the bottom of my shirt was up, exposing about eight inches of my back. When I woke up, the skin on my stomach really started to feel crisp, and I realized I had exposed that strip of skin on my back. I had put some sunscreen on my legs, but missed the backs of my knees. Within a few hours, it all started to hurt and feel tender, and by the end of the day, I had scorching red marks on my stomach, back and knees, which meant it hurt to sit, lie down, and drive. I spent the rest of vacation driving around with a wet washcloth that I’d leave on the air conditioner and then put on my burns, which eventually blistered. It wasn’t the only time in my life my pale skin’s been burned, but it was the worst burn. And every time I hear about the dangers of skin cancer, that vacation pops back into my memory. I’d like to change that…
Finally, the only other specific decision I’d like to reverse is my choice to go to my high school graduation. There was no reason to be there, and I have no fond memories of the day, years later. It wasn’t a traumatic day or anything, but I should have been doing something else. I should have gone to summer camp. For eight straight years, I went to summer camp in Maine, seven weeks at a time. It was my favorite place in the entire world, and holds all my happy memories. Because my school district went to the very end of June, I usually left for camp a less than a week after the school year ended. But the summer after my senior year of college, I was too old to be a camper, and had to be a counselor. But to be a counselor, you have to go a week of training called pre-camp. You’re not allowed to miss any of it, especially if you’re a new counselor. My high school graduation was a few days after the last day of classes, and going to it meant missing all of pre-camp. I knew of the conflict early on, and spent a good portion of senior year weighing the choice between camp and graduation, and chose graduation because it seemed so Mandatory and Important. Looking back, I have no idea why. I was a solid B+ student, and there was no suprise that I was able to graduate. The ceremony was one hour of my life, and it wasn’t even with the entire class because it rained and we had to be split in two to fit into the auditorium. Half of my friends were in the other ceremony. There were lots of parties afterward, and I suppose that I enjoyed some of them. I’m also recalling wanting to spend time with a boy I liked, and working on a play, but there were boys and plays at summer camp. Looking back from this vantage, an adult stuck having to work through the summer, with all my heart, I wish I could pack up and spend seven weeks in Maine on a lake. If I had just one more summer to do that, I that would be for the better.
Okay, back to blog hiatus again. I regret that, but I’m not going to go back in time to change it. But I am curious, does anyone else have a moment in their past they would re-do?
Anika said,
June 25, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Moments in the past I could change? What about moments just over the past year I wish I could change? But then again, such moments are what make us who we are…Enjoyed your post! I hope you aren’t on hiatus for too long again!
Knot said,
June 26, 2009 at 4:45 am
Oh yes, but any of them would have changed who I am and my experiences. I should have invested more time in a different woman when I was in my early 20′s. Or I should have pursued the Secret Service position about the same time. My life would have been dramatically different.
nancypearlwannabe said,
June 26, 2009 at 7:31 am
That is a very huge question. I often think it would be so much easier to be able to go back and do things over differently, or to be able to erase them completely from memory, but then would I be the person I am if I could do either of those things?
I think the answer is no. I might be kind of a hot mess right now, but I am still pretty happy with me.
But if I had to go back and change something, I would try to talk myself out of being so shy and quiet in middle school and high school. It really hindered my college experience, and it took me until I was twenty years old to be able to break it. I might have picked a different college, too, but again, I would be missing some great friends if I did that. Not many, but enough.
Great post, lady.
Abby said,
June 26, 2009 at 8:12 am
My philosophy is, had we made other choices, our lives might be *different* but not necessarily *better*. Also, making different choices would have required us to be different people than we were. But I do wish my mother were still alive, and that I had known my grandparents, althought those are things I had no control over.
stefanie said,
June 26, 2009 at 9:21 am
I’m with Abby. I try not to think about things I would have done differently, because for everything I did different, a whole bunch of other things would probably be different, too. Life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and every decision you make affects your future course in ways you don’t even know.
That said, I WOULD like to redo a particular day in the history of my first (pathetic, failed) attempt at an almost-relationship (back in high school). I sort of feel like if I’d figured a few things out back then, I wouldn’t have been dateless and boyfriendless for so long after. Of course, in that case, I’d probably be a different person, too. Less independent? Fewer solid girlfriends? Who knows? Maybe it’s best just to be happy with what I have and who I am.
I don’t blame you for wanting to redo the ankle break day, though. I’m pretty sure you’re right that little if any good came of that.
Allie said,
June 26, 2009 at 9:45 am
There are absolutely moments I wish never happened, but I’m not sure they were mine to change anyway, even if I had a time machine. There’s a lot of – if only I’d know this then, but all of it is character building. There are a few old friendships I wish I could fix, but like you said – they aren’t about one moment or one thing misstated. So, I think I’m good, really.
Sorry to hear that your ankle is bugging you!
Allie said,
June 26, 2009 at 9:45 am
Oh! I would have gone to see Dave Eggers read at SU instead of going to my final project for my PR for Programs Management class.
Dan said,
June 26, 2009 at 10:12 am
My first thought was that I was glad you didn’t list the re-do’s as regrets. I try my best to live regret free (hence the move to Vermont – we’d regret not moving there for sure).
The bit about your former friend stuck out to me as I found myself in a similar situation. It didn’t involve insults, it involved things left unsaid for a number of years. Eventually, the volcano erupted and we have since disbanded our friendship. I can’t say this is a re-do as it’s greatly reduced my stress level
There are certainly bits and pieces of my life that I’d like to re-do, but would I? I can’t say I would. I’d love to have been a child that ate well, ate organic, maybe even vegetarian for a bit. If I did, would I still be the same person? Hard to say.
I would have loved to just not have dated my first girlfriend as the experience was a roller coaster ride that ended rather poorly. That experience, however painful, gave me a wealth of knowledge. Example: long-distance relationships are a train wreck disguised as a box of chocolates (for me, anyway)
.
Wrapping up this prime example of a ‘ramble’, I’d say that re-do’s would be great, but I’d like to guarantee that they had no effect on who I am today. I quite like myself as I am – I’d hate for it to change just because I didn’t want to be such a chubby kid growing up
lizgwiz said,
June 26, 2009 at 10:18 am
Oh, I have a long list of things I’d like to redo. Not all of them major, but what the heck–let’s see what the other fork in the road would have produced.
If I could just go back and tell my young self one thing, I think it would have been to STAY OUT OF THE SUN. OR AT LEAST WEAR SUNSCREEN, YOU IDIOT. Your blistering burn story? I did that every summer for years. Living through a few painful burns first was the only way I could get a tan. And I HAD to have a tan. Or so I thought. Now I have premature age spots on my chest and hands and I’m a walking invitation to melanoma. Thanks, young stupid self.
rdl said,
June 27, 2009 at 9:29 pm
a moment! sadly my list would be much longer than yours. nice to see you posting tho. i’m changing then name of my blog to -when the spirit moves you – no pressure that way.
courtney said,
June 29, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I wish I could go back in time and convince you not to go on a blog hiatus.
Kidding! It is great to see a post from you, though, and what a good one it is.
I dated a guy in college mainly out of guilt, and rather than break it off early (or better yet, not date him in the first place) I let it go on far too long and ended up hurting him pretty badly when the inevitable happened. I’ve often wished I could change that. But I also wonder how that experience shaped the way I am today, and I’m sure I learned many valuable lessons from it. I also wished I’d been less shy in high school and college, but you’re right, those aren’t singular events.