I’m a little late on this because it started on the 21st, but Happy National Singles Week everyone! I know that “happy” and “single” are words that stereotypically don’t belong together, but I think that’s hooey.
Since Birmingham and I split, I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of being single or married and trying to figure out what it is exactly that I want. When we were together and things were going great, the subject of marriage kept rearing its pesky little head. I’ll be the first to admit that I was the one who invited it in, but those kinds of questions came at us from the outside, too. I wouldn’t characterize it as pressure, but there was a certain expectation that if a relationship is going well, then it’s only a matter of time before the marriage happens. And with that goes the prejudice that if marriage doesn’t happen quickly, then there’s something wrong.
And that’s what I think is bullshit, and I’m really glad to have this time to myself to realize that getting married is not something that I want to think of as a “goal.” Some people make marriage out to be a magical panacea that makes anything better and must be gained as soon as possible, and it makes you lose sight of the fact that life is what you’re living right now.
That being said, I know I joked that Birmingham and I broke up because he wouldn’t fucking propose already, but it was really more because he wasn’t as willing to commit to the future of our relationship in general, and unrelatedly, we had many fights revolved around the distance between us and scheduling time to get together.
Since we’ve been apart, it’s true that I missed his companionship, but I’ve also realized that I love being single. I do a lot of stuff, and when I’m busy, I have no time to feel lonely. Through doing all this stuff, I’ve met some great people, and those friendships also prevent loneliness. And when I come home, I’ve got my alone time where I don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but myself (and some cats.) If I want to go out, I don’t have to tell anyone or get permission or check in. I just go.
The problem with being single, and the idea behind this national week, is that we don’t get a lot of respect. I first heard about it on Jezebel yesterday and they linked to an article by Bella DePaulo listing the 14 reasons why we need this week. The reason we need to be heard is that in America is that there are about 1,138 federal statutes that give benefits to married couples over single people. No wonder so many people get married just for the heath insurance, a move that I think devalues the institution of marriage even more than if two dudes want to shack up. As she says in the article:
We need it because the de-stigmatizing of single life does not undermine marriage, it strengthens it. When single people can live their lives with all of the same respect, benefits, protections, and opportunities as people who are married, then those who want to marry are free. They can pursue marriage for the right reasons – not to run away from the stigma of being single, but to embrace the attractions of being married.
One of the reasons there’s never been a strong single-person’s lobby is that it’s very easy for singles to become married, and very few people are honestly vowing to stay single forever. But while we are, it would be nice to get some damn tax breaks. I mean, many of us are paying our own rent or mortgages for goodness’ sakes.
After it ended with Birmingham, I finally started asking myself questions like “why do I want to get married?” “why do I want a boyfriend?” and eventually “do I want to get married?” and “do I want a boyfriend?” and I realized I don’t really know the answers for certain, so I might as well make the most of what I have instead of trying to get something I don’t have.
Another pitfall I worry about is that in this day and age of bridal craziness, many women spend more time planning their wedding than planning their marriage. But that was never really my problem since I’ve never been a fan of weddings, and I really don’t like diamonds. (Don’t even get me started on how the whole “two month’s salary” crap was actually a “tradition” stared by the diamond companies in recent years, who don’t exactly have the cleanest hands in the world when it comes to how they get those clear rocks that my untrained eye can’t differentiate from a piece of pretty glass.) I digress. My point here is that I don’t want to get into a lifetime commitment until I’ve thoroughly vetted my potential forever-roommate, and I suppose I’m not in any rush to do so, because I’m in a very happy place right now.
So single people, this is our week! And I must add I wish not to disparage the people who made the choice to join in a more perfect union. I probably would have done so myself had I had the opportunity. So you marrieds and couples out there, why not celebrate this week by going to the movies by yourself tonight? Or trying to figure out the best way to make a delicious meal for one? Or better yet, call up your single friend and she if he or she wants to come over for a glass of wine? If that friend doesn’t already have plans, you’ll get a great addition to your evening conversation. Especially when the topic turns to dating.
Posted by alexa on September 24, 2008 at 10:12 am
i had a realization recently that “married” didn’t need to be my “goal” just being happy was my goal.
it sounds so simple, just it took me a long time to figure that one out.
btw, does there have to be a single’s week?!? hell for me its single’s YEARS
Oh it took me a long time too. I hope that it’s not just a phase.
Posted by lizgwiz on September 24, 2008 at 10:35 am
Being married, in and of itself, has never been my goal. Which may well be while I’m still single, I suppose. There are many things about being single I like, but I miss…intimacy. You know, the kind you can’t get with your pals.
Sigh.
This is true. I think my friends would give me dirty looks if I tried to cuddle up to them on the couch.
Posted by erikka on September 24, 2008 at 10:43 am
Go singles, Go! I’ll adopt one this week fo’ sure.
Excellent!
Posted by mickey on September 24, 2008 at 10:48 am
For obvious reasons, I better withhold my reaction to this one.
But I pretty much agree down the line.
Nothing pleases me more, as a single person, than starting fights with you and Courtney in my comments section.
Posted by Abby on September 24, 2008 at 10:48 am
My SO and I have been “dating” for almost 8 years. At first, we struggled with that external (and internal) pressure to move toward marriage, but thankfully decided we like things just the way they are – together but living apart. I refer to him as my “non-domestic partner” although that makes him sound like a lousy housekeeper.
One of the most compelling reasons to get married is because it’s so much easier to say “husband” and “wife.”
Posted by Hope on September 24, 2008 at 11:06 am
Although I have very recently joined the ranks of those pulling round the ol’ ball and chain, I knew that my (at that time future) husband was a good one when my friend told me that even though I had been dating this guy for two years it was like I wasn’t with anyone at all because she still saw me the same amount as before I met him. My alone time (which includes time with myself and also time with my girlfriends) is VERY important and I consider it necessary to a good relationship with my significant other. I didn’t have any reservations when he eventually asked me, because I knew that I wouldn’t be losing myself. Saturday afternoon (and various evenings during the week- but ALWAYS Saturday) is still my ‘friend time’ and I plan to keep it that way forever.
Yay for Singles Week!
I think that sounds like a nice healthy outlook you have there.
Posted by Dutchess of Kickball on September 24, 2008 at 11:28 am
It took me a very very long time in my life to come to the realization that marriage is not the cusp of real life and to significantly rationalize with myself that that was what I needed to feel like my adult life had begun. I think I was somewhere around 27/ 28. Once I made that change in my thinking it really changed the way I went into relationships. A marriage was no longer the ultimate goal, it was a committed, loving relationship.
Sounds like a good plan.
Posted by nancypearlwannabe on September 24, 2008 at 11:30 am
It’s funny, in most respects my parents are super liberals. But when it comes to marriage and children, both my sister and I get the “When? WHEN?! When will you be married? When will I get to become a grandmother?”
It makes me a little crazy, and a little anxious.
But I think… I’m pretty sure I’m more into it for the spoken commitment to the relationship at this point.
ANYWAY, I am inviting all my single friends over this week for a grand soiree. Who’s in?
My mom does the grandchild hint every once and a while, but I think she’s cool if I let my little sister take care of that one. And another trip to Boston? Why not?
Posted by Allie on September 24, 2008 at 11:43 am
I had pretty much decided I wasn’t really into the idea of marriage anymore right before I met my husband. And I’m really glad I felt that way, because then it was something I wanted to do, not something I felt like I HAD to do. (I have a friend who put marriage/kids on her time line like it was a scheduled meeting).
And, even though I’m happily married, I still miss parts of my single life, because I’d made the decision to make it fantastic, and it really was. It pisses me off when people judge what’s working for other people. I think it happens because they feel like they didn’t have the same choices, or take advantage of the choices they had.
I’m glad you’re having a great marriage! And I’m also secretly hoping that my downgrading of marriage might lead to one eventually.
Posted by apollocreed on September 24, 2008 at 12:10 pm
In honor of Singles Week, I will go to a bar and deliver a terrible line to the first attractive female I see. Woo hoo!
It’ll be good practice for your wedding!
Posted by kir on September 24, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Wow, a topic close to my heart. I don’t even know where to begin, so I won’t… I’ll leave it at this:
Happy Singles week, Noelle. You’re awesome!
Thanks! I think you are too.
Posted by Carmen on September 24, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I totally agree with what you have to say… power to the Singles!! I especially love the pitiful stereotype… sheesh! I am sooooo not pitiful!
Exactly! I’m not saying I want to be this way forever, but I’m happy with what I have now.
Posted by gregorymeyer on September 24, 2008 at 1:46 pm
To anyone who finally realizes that getting married or being single are real choices, I say ‘Welcome to true adulthood, my friend.’ Welcome to owning your own life (opposed to other people or societal influences making decisions for you).
It took a ‘starter marriage’ and divorce for me to figure this out on my own, but I’m not the brightest crayon in the box. I got married for some wrong reasons and some right ones. However, the strongest reason was that I thought I ‘should’ get married.
After an amicable divorce and a truckload of self-exploration, I was eventually left with the truth — happiness comes from within, not from without. From this place (and from the place of hijacking your comment page), Happy National Singles Week!
I’m sorry you had to go through it the hard way, but I hope things are working out for you now!
Posted by ladyrock13 on September 24, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Janis Joplin, now that is a lost treasure. Well, her voice at least. I didn’t know here so as a person, she could have been a colossal waste of space but as an artist, she was something else. This song at least. Not sure what else she did that would have impressed the boobybra off me.
She was on the radio this morning as I was writing this.
Posted by ladyrock13 on September 24, 2008 at 2:48 pm
It’s me, me, you know, ME! Incognito. LadyRock. You know. Me. Sigh.
Ah, I see. Are you perhaps using a new IP address?
Posted by Vanessa on September 24, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I’m newly single and didn’t even know this week existed. I strongly identify with the Quirkyalone.com of the world, but guess there’s more in singledom I can get involved with.
I’ve not been to that site! But yeah, there’s tons to do when you’re just you.
Posted by Gretchen on September 24, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Happy Singles Week to you, too!
I could and just might write an entire blog post on this topic, but I’ll keep this short. My religious background is highly focused on marriage. While I want to get married someday, there is no way I’m going to rush into it like the majority of girls my age (18-22) have done. I’m very fond of being single and I plan on living my youth as much as possible. Holla for singles!
That’s exactly what I mean, marriage just isn’t for everyone, especially that young. Enjoy yourself!
Posted by freeandflawed on September 24, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I didn’t know this week existed either! Happy Singles Week to you as well
Thanks!
Posted by jennifer on September 24, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Stopping to comment before I even finish reading so I may comment multiple times. First of all, there is nothing MAGICAL about marriage. From the get go, it is work. But it is work for a worthy cause (I know you like causes!). Second, being married does not mean that you won’t be lonely. Sometimes, living with someone and being miles apart emotionally is the saddest kind of lonely. But when you discover each other again it is like falling in love again.
OK, going to read some more.
I hope I came across with the point that I don’t think marriage is magical, but I do think that it’s portrayed that way sometimes. I agree: loneliness is a feeling that is separate from physical proximity to a person, and is sometimes worse when someone is there.
Posted by jennifer on September 24, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Read the whole post now. I just wish you all the happiness in the world. And I agree with gregormeyer… it has to come from within more so than from without.
I hope you enjoy ‘your week’!
Thanks! I hope that all this good single time makes me an even better couple half someday. I do miss having my hair played with.
Posted by The Modern Gal on September 24, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Oh wow, good post. I think I’m going to link to it from The Modern Gal.
The Modern Beau and I have been dating for five years now, and there’s no plans for marriage. And I’m ok with that for many of the reasons you’ve mentioned. We’ve watched plenty of our friends marry into unhappiness.
Posted by Lara on September 24, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I love this post, Noelle. Happy Singles Week, indeed!
Posted by Vicious Headbutt on September 24, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Happy Singles Week!
Marriage is over rated. Me and my girlfriend have both been married before. We’ve been together for four years now and are in no rush to get married to each other…other people, maybe.
Posted by Stefanie on September 24, 2008 at 10:06 pm
As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, several people each week Google their way to my blog with the search term “how to enjoy being single.” So clearly I am an Internet authority on this matter, and I say, WORD.
Also, I had no idea it was our week. Can’t we get a whole month??
Posted by Dingo on September 24, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I keep planning on writing a post about marriage and the whole wedding industry — but mainly about marriage. Mr. Dingo and I are committed to each other (more so than most married couples I know) and we don’t need a piece of paper to make us feel “married”. It pisses me off when people act as if a legal ceremony means that we are serious about our relationship, committed, etc. It also makes me grit my teeth when people think that a wedding is the beginning of their future together. Really? If you need a ceremony to affirm your commitment to each other or to affirm that you plan to spend the rest of your lives together, maybe you shouldn’t be getting married. Maybe you should be spending that money on couples therapy.
It’s not to say that Mr. Dingo and I won’t ever get married, it’s just that we don’t NEED to get married.
Posted by Knot on September 25, 2008 at 5:24 am
I didn’t realize how much fun being single was until I was married. Being married is fun, but it has a whole lot of challenges and things you have to learn to deal with. I would do my single days over again, but differently, with much less regard to marriage and more toward reaching some personal goals. And dating would be something I did to have fun and meet people not as a means to finding “Mrs. Right”.
Enjoy this time.
Knot
Posted by Anika on September 25, 2008 at 11:02 am
What a fabulous post! What a fabulous week! I will have to post something in honor of SW before Friday.
Happy Singles Week!
Posted by courtney on September 25, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Well said, sista. I especially love the quote about how de-stigmatizing single life only strengthens marriage — good stuff. And seriously, 1,138 federal statutes we’re missing out on? Ridiculous.
Now I have to go home and quiz Mickey about his feelings. Sigh.
Posted by Aaron on September 25, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Word up, sister. (Because I got here too late to add anything of substance.)