I know that things keep getting political around here, and I sort of apologize for that. It’s just hard to feel really strongly about something and not think about it all the time. And one of the things I was thinking about recently was the fact that so many of us Dems are threatening to move to Canada should McCain win the election so we don’t have to deal with four more years of the government trampling on everything we hold dear. But who really knows anything about Canada?
Many of us are making this rash decision based on little to no information about what actually happens up there. So that’s why I before I packing up all my belongings one more time, I asked the internet’s favorite Canadian, Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster, a few questions about his home country.
Before I begin, I need to mention that all I know about Canada is based on Michael Moore movies including “Canadian Bacon,” coverage from the 1992 Calgary Olympics, and John Glass*, the boy I dated at summer camp when I was 13. He never wrote me back over the winter and broke my heart. I blamed your entire country for that for a long time. *not his real name, not that his identity deserves to be protected…
I figured that John Glass didn’t write me back because Canadians are so far north and they are therefore cold people. Can you refute this claim?
Hm. As far as being cold goes, we have some WWII history that begs to differ. Is it still okay to name drop WWII? It works in Europe… But really, we are a kind, friendly, loving people who like to hug it out to both show affection and save on winter heating bills. I think we can only assume that John Glass died on his way home or was simply a douchebag – we usually isolate all these to Toronto (sorry Torontonians…okay, I’m not really…).
I hear you guys have legal gay marriage over there. How many regular, old-fashioned marriages have fallen apart because of that?
No one gets married here anymore since they let the homos (I can call them that because I am one) get married. Everything Palin says is true – gay marriage DOES devalue the institute of marriage. As a matter of fact, no one even falls in love anymore. We just go around dry-humping maple trees while screaming cuss words and stomping on babies. The Canadian population will not be around for much longer as a result.
Having gay marriage here has had next to no impact on the general population aside from a boost in tourism and annual visits from Rosie O’Donnell and her line of cruise ships. It’s your call on whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
You guys have some of the best comedians in the world: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Canadian_comedians How is it that Canadians are able to crack me so consistently up? Will you continue to do this for me if I move there?
We laugh because we’re nervous. If shit goes down in the US, shit’s gonna go down in Canada.
That and we’re drunk.
P.S. Why aren’t I on that list? Betcha I’d make the cut if I were fat or french…
Based on what Michael Moore tells me, you all seem like happy hobbits of the north who get free health care, never lock your doors, and generally all get along. Is this an exaggeration?
Yes and no. I think Canadians generally feel safer than Americans but we’re not singing Kumbaya and helping burglars get back on their feet with a hot meal and a fresh set of clothes when they break into our homes. We lock our doors and cars because – as a matter of fact! – we’re in civilization.
The health care action up here is pretty swell though. My brother had to pay something like $20,000 when he broke his collarbone in Pennsylvania. Here, you pay in drugged-up small talk with overzealous nurses and extreme parental worrying.
Are there any parts of Canada where people don’t say “eh” all the time? And how come most of you live so close to the American border, but that particular tic doesn’t seem to pass over?
Eh is kind of a myth. Even when people DO say it, it’s such a cliché that it rarely happens again. Plus, it’s not used as a tic so much as a “don’t you think?”, “isn’t it?”, or “huh?”. The Eh is too important to just throw around willy-nilly.
It hasn’t crossed the border because gas is too expensive and the last time it tried, it got an incredibly invasive examination at customs.
Who’s the best Canadian MP?
For rock star qualities, it has to be Danny Williams. Yes – I know he’s not an MP but he’s one of the most recognizable politicians in Canada despite being at the provincial level.
He’s the billionaire, Rhodes scholar, premier of Newfoundland who basically shouts at Prime Minister Harper about screwing over the Atlantic provinces by saying things like, “Give me a break, Steve…” and starting the ABC – Anything But Conservative voting campaign.
He’s vocal, he’s down-home, he knows his constituents and he’s got nothing to lose.
Note from Noelle: I was looking for the answer “Carolyn Bennett,” but I guess the best thing about her is her name, not her politics…
Are there any other good politicians we should know about? And do you have any aerial-wolf hunting crazy-eyed hockey moms hiding in your government? I need to be certain that they won’t be picked out of the blue to run for the second-highest office in the land.
Scott Brison is our openly gay MP. He had a big, almost celebrity, gay wedding last year that was all fancy and secretive. He’s the J-Lo of politicians. Well, he is if my vote counts for anything.
Peter McKay is pretty popular around these parts too. They try to paint him as the heartthrob politician but it’s mostly because there’s so little competition.
As for the aerial-wolf hunting crazy-eyed hockey moms, yes – we have those but they don’t aerial wolf hunt and they’re too busy driving their kids to 5am practices to run for office. Thankfully.
Maple leaves: awesome or fantastic?
Stuff we rake off our lawns with very little regard.
Now Maple SYRUP on the other hand…AWESOME FANTASTIC.
My sister reminds me that your country is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. If I could maybe real quick get really good at the bobsleigh or something so I can participate, will Canada allow me on the team if I move there?
Probably not. We don’t like to support athletes of any kind. Instead of competing really hard (like Alexandre Despatie’s body) at the Olympic level, we tend to just like to show up to support the other countries. I mean, somebody’s got to come in fourth.
Almost a year ago I drove from Detroit to Niagara Falls by way of Canada. It was kind of fun until we had to wait almost two hours to cross the border on the way home. But that’s not my question. I spent the night on the Canadian side of the falls, which is admittedly the better side. Even if Obama wins the election, I might move to Canada just for the bragging rights of that side of the falls. But seriously, what’s the deal with all the wax museums? Do they exist in other parts of your fine country?
Umm…I don’t know where the closest wax museum would be. Maybe Montréal would be the furthest east? We tend to not waste our time on wax creations when there are things to eat and drink. I can’t speak to the rest of the country since I’ve never been further west than Ontario.
Even though I love Canada, it’s too damn expensive to travel though. You can fly through continental Europe for less than it takes to get to Vancouver. Not cool, giant homeland. Not cool.
Ben, thanks so much for those thoughtful answers! If the swing states don’t get their act together, I’ll be applying for citizenship on November 5th.