Monday night was best night of the month, being free pizza night at the gym. Over the course of the past few months, I’ve remained peeved about the gym not letting me suspend my membership for the two months I was laid up with the broken ankle, and I’ve been getting my money back by having up to three slices of pizza at a time. However, last night I just wasn’t in the mood and stopped at one. The horror! I know.
As I was doing crunches on the mat around the corner from the pizza (and I must have done more than usual, because it just hurt when I sneezed) two beefy guys were discussing just how counter-intuitive pizza at the gym can be. The one guy who must have had 10 pounds for each tattoo he had (making him about 230 or so…) complained that the gym also gives away Tootsie Rolls at the exit and, “those things are fifty calories each! That’s at least forty minutes of cardio just to work one off!”
At that point, I laughed out loud and quickly turned it into a cough because that was the same dialouge I heard in the locker room coming out of the mouth of one of the ninety pound elipitical bunnies who also added, “I love this gym because it has free tanning and I used to spend like, forty dollars a week on tanning.”
Alas, tattoo guy did not also express a desire to tan, only a desire to wail on his pecs, and not to be tempted to eat pizza at the gym. Some people are so crazy!
Speaking of, remember how I’ve been giving up something every month? No-sugar July went pretty well, with a couple of exceptions, like the time I made peach blueberry cobbler for a party, and the time I got to eat homemade ice cream, and the time after day one of the swim meet where we went to an ice cream stand and I figured that 800 meters of swimming = one butterscotch sundae. And also the times when I lifted the ban for the Independence Day holiday. And that one time when I ate the leftover ice cream that went with the blueberry cobbler. Oh, and that one office birthday cake, because it was an ice cream cake. But other than that, I was really good!
For August, I decided to change it up a little. Some of my elimination diets have actually stuck around, particularly the fried food one, which I’ve not had a taste for since giving it up in June. I could attempt to give up caffeine, alcohol, or wheat, which are all on the list of my vices. But those are so central to my diet, giving them up would just be deprivation, which is not the point. Instead, I’m going to try and eat more slowly, meaning August is going to be the month of conscious mastication.
I so want to make a “that’s what single girls do” kind of joke here, but I’m going to be mature enough to not make a thing about how that word sounds a lot like that other word.
So getting off that topic, this month’s challenge is not just for play. After nearly choking on chicken (technically soy nuggets) last month, I realized that I need to slow down and enjoy my food lest I rub myself out. It’s also a little bit of self-love, because chewing slowly can stimulate a feeling of fullness with less food, and that means weight loss, and that’s a service to myself. Now pardon me before I go blind.
Posted by 3carnations on August 5, 2008 at 9:56 am
Good luck. I hope it gives you a good feeling.
Also, congrats on all the google searches you are about to be hit for from this post.
Those Googlers are going to be mighty disappointed, I fear.
Posted by stefanie on August 5, 2008 at 10:15 am
40 minutes of cardio to work off 50 calories? Either that dude’s really bad with math or his version of cardio rivals the exuberance of the grandmas and grandpas on PBS’s “Sit and Be Fit.”
Exactly! According to my treadmill, I burned 200 calories in 20 minutes. And then I ate four Tootsie Rolls to make up for it.
Posted by Adorable Girlfriend on August 5, 2008 at 10:29 am
Stef, math is hard. He lost all of his brain cells at the tat parlor.
True that.
Posted by Ben on August 5, 2008 at 10:45 am
I would get the gym membership ONLY for the free monthly pizza.
And I believe that is their plan.
Posted by lizgwiz on August 5, 2008 at 11:05 am
That last paragraph was a thing of beauty.
I think I could give up fried foods…except for potatoes. The only deep-fried thing I really eat, anymore…but I LOVE them. Sigh.
I can’t even imagine getting a burger without fries. It’s inhuman.
Posted by bing on August 5, 2008 at 11:16 am
I’m chuckling at my desk. People probably think I’m crazy.
I eat really fast too. I should definitely try to eat slower. Maybe I’ll give it a try in August too.
Join us!
Posted by bing on August 5, 2008 at 11:21 am
I totally left out why I was chuckling. The last paragraph = hilarity!
Thanks, I was hoping that was why.
Posted by nancypearlwannabe on August 5, 2008 at 11:40 am
I eat fast as well, but when you only get 20 minutes for lunch that can come in handy. Not so much when you are trying to enjoy dinner with Chris, the Guinness World Record holder for Slowest Eater Ever.
I do get the full hour for lunch, but I rarely take that hour to eat. Perhaps I should study the ways of the Chris.
Posted by Tucker on August 5, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Is it ok if I started sweating after reading that….
THAT’S what you choose to comment, you lurker?
And yeah, fine. Whatever floats your boat…
Posted by alexa on August 5, 2008 at 12:51 pm
im a food vaccumm cleaner. im like the fasted eater ever one would think that i grew up with 8 brothers and had to fight for my meals.
alas, that is not the case.
i just like food ; )
I just hate it when it gets cold. I suppose that means more gazpacho for me.
Posted by The Modern Gal on August 5, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Having just had my speedy lunch eating routine result in a stomachache, I think I’ll join you in the conscious mastication. That’s a turn on for dudes, right? When there’s two of us?
Ha! Dirty!
Posted by Meghan on August 5, 2008 at 1:26 pm
HA! Don’t you just love words that sound like other, dirty, words.
I really do, I really do.
Posted by Kristabella on August 5, 2008 at 3:05 pm
1. Those gym people you describe is why I can’t join a gym again. Because I will always say something or roll my eyes. Which gets me into trouble.
2. I need to eat slower too. There is no reason to inhale my food. No one is going to take it away. I’m not in prison.
That’s going to be my new motto. “You’re not in prison.”
Posted by Anika on August 5, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Oh, that is fabulously funny and clever! Thanks for the laugh!
You’re welcome!
Posted by Allie on August 5, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Hahahahahahaha! That was awesome!
Thanks!
Posted by Vanessa on August 5, 2008 at 6:52 pm
This is a fantastic idea! For the past two weeks I have been working on this myself. I’m going all out now, very consciously chewing and enjoying my food, which for me also means no tv while I eat. So many times I take an hour or more to prepare the meal, then don’t even realize I’ve eaten it because I did so while watching tv.
For me, watching the TV is like a reward for all that cooking.
Posted by mickey on August 5, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Do you have a webcam, by chance?
Um, ew?
Posted by courtney on August 5, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Hee! I remember the first time I heard the word “masticate.” It was in 9th grade biology, so you can imagine the giggles that followed. Apparently I haven’t matured much since then, because I’m laughing like crazy over here.
It’s a dangerous word to throw around to a bunch of 9th graders.
Posted by heidikins on August 5, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Free pizza night? Um, hello, sign me up.
Also, “masticate” is one of my all-time non-dirty words. Like “rectory” and “penal code” and “trajectory.”
xox
I never thought of “trajectory” as dirty before. I’ll never hear it without a snicker now.
Posted by onesmartcookie on August 5, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I think this whole elimination diet thing sounds very intriguing. I’m currently trying to decide between “No potato chip August” or “No leftover birthday cake from the conference room August”. (I’d like to start slow.)
Also, I am an incredibly slow eater. I wish I could tell you that there is a secret to it, but there’s not one that I know of. However, I’m sure that my lunchtime companions wish I would, ah, masticate a little bit less.
The leftover birthday cake thing is a really hard one, I’ll give you that.
Posted by jennifer on August 6, 2008 at 12:04 pm
“August is going to be the month of conscious mastication.”
And for this, I love you.
I actually NEED to partake of this months theme. It gets embarrassing ALWAYS being the first one done because I am a speed eater. I shall masticate more consciouly along with you.
Jen
Posted by Aaron on August 8, 2008 at 10:21 am
Oh my Lord, I’m having [gym name redacted] flashbacks! Stop! Stop! The horror!
Thanks, Christmas Tree.