I just had one of those weekends that was so busy, I can’t quite remember how to get to my office, which I swear I haven’t been to since mid-May. Among all the stuff I did, one of the highlights of my weekend was getting highlights from my super-stellar hairdresser, Max. He blonded me at the end of the day on Friday, which meant that I went to all my cookouts and NYC adventures (including the one where my sister and I carried a 40 pound tent from Queens to 57th St. in the pouring rain) looking good. If you happen to live in the NYC area and are looking for someone to do your hair, let me give Max a shout out now. I’ll try and follow up with a picture, if I can ever get a good one of myself. Included in the price of the haircut was his tip that I should breathe an intake of air while posing to prevent the goofy-no eye smile predicament that happens to me whenever I pose. Duly noted. Still not working.
And in other news, there are some things I just never blog about, because I like having a separation of Noelle Tannenbaum and (my real name.) One of those things is my fledgling dating life. Just an FYI, it’s been healthy, but there’s still no one serious enough to earn a new nickname or a story for the blog. I’ve also met very few guys that are so ridiculously bad they became blogworthy. Also, I keep telling the guys I meet that I write here, so I potentially have a readership comprised completely of people that I met at www.TheDatingSiteIUse.com, and I’d prefer not to alienate them by kissing and telling. As it were. Not that there was kissing. As it were.
What I don’t have a problem sharing is some of the more ridiculous emails I’ve received at www.TheDatingSiteIUse.com because there are some that baffle my mind. As you read these, Keep in mind that my profile is written much in the style of this blog, and that my pictures comprise of a bad self-portrait, and actually okay picture of me at a wedding (I must have been breathing in while the picture was shot), and a shot of me decked out in work clothes, taken while painting my cottage. (I like guys to know that I’m a can-do woman.) This is an email I got over the weekend:
hi pretty woman, how are you. plz today you need to tell me why you are so beautiful. thats amazing to see a wonderful women like you. ok, im a lucky guy today and i think i’ll be playing a lotto. so, my name is _______ and i really want to get to know you and be your bestfriend too. so, i like the way you are, you are very simple woman, humble and respectful. thank you for that this morning. you really make my day mch nicer. i truly like you. have a nice day and thank you for your beauty
What does he want? A beautiful woman, or to be my bestfriend? And what in the world makes him think I’m respectful? Maybe I can forward his email to my parents and they can explain to him how they made me so beautiful. Or maybe I should just send him to Max’s page.
Then there’s this:
im a HUGE sucker for shorter woman with short dark hair and glasses
im also visit your area frequently
Is it just me, or does this email scream, “I want a regular booty call to coordinate with my travel plans?” Also, I’m 5’6″. Even if you are technically taller than me, calling me a “shorter woman” is not the key to my heart. But proper punctuation is!
And then…
hello i’m ___ a single man 33 from nyc just wanted 2 say that i think u r very good looking & if possible i would like 2 see if we can chat & get 2 know 1 another u can im me at ______@_____.com… (his name)!!!
I feel like if I met this guy in person I wouldn’t be able to follow his conversation as I mentally turned all of his regular speak into text speak. It all reminds me of Bridget Fonda in Singles, who narrowed down her list of qualities she wants in a guy to “says bless you when I sneeze.” When deciding who I want to have further contact with from this site, I’ve narrowed it down to guys who “take the time to type out the extra letters that spell words such as ‘you,’ ‘two’ and ‘are.’”
Hence, still single over here. But with GREAT hair.
Posted by courtney on August 4, 2008 at 11:59 am
Oh, I love Singles.
If I were on an online dating site, I have a feeling I’d never find anyone I’d want to go out with. I’d be all, “Is that a misplaced comma? No, I will NOT go out with you!”
Oh, if only it was just a misplaced comma.
Posted by Sauntering Soul on August 4, 2008 at 12:13 pm
OMG I remember getting so many emails like these when I was on the dating site I met Hot Brazilian on. Actually, his written English is not great and his initial email to me wasn’t so great but I gave him a chance since he was from another country. Luckily we communicate much better verbally.
I’m glad you were able to look past it and find love. I wish I could.
Posted by bing on August 4, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Wow, sometimes guys amaze me. Those e-mails are awful. My friend is on a dating site, and she shows me all of her e-mails and we crack up. If you’re using e-mail to make the first move, you better well know how to spell. If they write poorly, she kicks them to the curb. Ooo, and 5’6 is so not short!
A small mistake here and there is human, but when the whole thing does not resemble English, it’s impossible.
Posted by cadiz12 on August 4, 2008 at 1:25 pm
wow, seems like quite a variety there. but one of my best friends is about to marry the absolute perfect guy for her and i don’t think they’d ever have bumped into one another if it hadn’t been for the dating site where they met.
There must be some gems in there, I just haven’t found them yet.
Posted by Arr on August 4, 2008 at 1:37 pm
My pet peeve is when the emails are not personalized. Like, if it’s obvious they just ‘cut and pasted’ into the send box, I’m soooo not into it. Also a stickler for goodly grammar and non-text-speak…
I hope that none of those are cut and pasted, because they are not worth repeating!
Posted by nancypearlwannabe on August 4, 2008 at 2:12 pm
omg u r 2 pritty!!!! how u r getting so awsum? i wood like 2 meet u sumtime 2 c if u could b my BFFlady.
LOL
Posted by 3carnations on August 4, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I love Singles, too.
Y R U getting all these responses from the mans? MayB bcause UR2 beautiful. Thank you for that. Please 2 tell that 1st guy what time to pick U up. Bcause UR respectful like that.
How do they even type like that? I had to go back about 4 times to take out extra letters. It was more work than spelling things out properly.
I’m impressed with your skillz.
Posted by Jennifer M. on August 4, 2008 at 2:30 pm
So, tell me about this taking of the photo on the inhale. Does it make a difference? Does it make your eyes look bigger; lift your torso? Should we all be doing this? I feel the need to know so that I too might take better photos.
Once in a card store I saw a card. The outside had a beefcake type guy from the cover a romance novel and read something along the lines of “I once dreamed of tall, dark, and handsome”. The inside read “Now, I’d settle for short, bald and employed.”
I think as you breathe in, channel Gloria Swanson.
Posted by -R- on August 4, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I think if you responded to the first guy, his next e-mail would be about how he has some big bank account in Nigeria, and if you just send him some money, he’ll share his Nigerian riches with you.
Well, if he has Nigerian riches, that’s another story.
Posted by Dingo on August 4, 2008 at 2:47 pm
You mean you haven’t gotten one from a guy looking for a mom for his four kids yet? Well, you must not be so “simple” after all. What the heck does that mean, anyway? Simple?
No one wants me to mother their children yet, thank goodness.
Posted by The Modern Gal on August 4, 2008 at 2:52 pm
What kind of 33 year old writes in textspeak? Not to take away from your beauty, but I bet the second guy is a huge sucker for all women.
How did that guy write before textspeak was invented? Or did he just not write at all?
Posted by lizgwiz on August 4, 2008 at 3:19 pm
My profile actually says straight out that I’m looking for someone who at least attempts good grammar…and I still got some of those incomprehensible emails, as well. They don’t read any better than they write, I guess.
I thought of that, but I was afraid of turning off a guy who’s smart enough to know that he doesn’t always know the difference between when to use a colon or a semi-colon, but is otherwise perfect in every way.
Posted by Allie on August 4, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I love Singles too.
Those e-mails are hysterical. Who writes like that?
And 5’6″ totally isn’t short!
There’s a lot of people in this world, I suppose.
Posted by Ann on August 4, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Well, my best friend from high school and I have always said our lives would have been completely different had we had had better hair. It’s the key to everything, really. Those emails remind me of ones I get because I’m on http://www.43things.com – the emails are typically from places like Ivory Coast and are unintentionally hilarious.
Sometimes I think I would trade my good hair for a nice fob chain.
Posted by The Other Courtney on August 4, 2008 at 5:59 pm
My fledgling, but healthy, dating life is also staying off of my blog. Mostly because I’m now an elected public official, but also because too many ex’s read and I’m just not in the mood to apologize for having fun with out them.
Once you start writing about the guys, it’s hard to stop…
Posted by stefanie on August 5, 2008 at 10:19 am
NPW and -R- are cracking me up.
I’ve been considering getting back online again lately. Thank you for reminding me why that’s just bound to be an exercise in frustration and futility.
Posted by sadieandleo on August 5, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I enjoyed this immensely.
Posted by Kristabella on August 5, 2008 at 3:01 pm
This makes me feel MUCH better. Because these are like the only emails I ever get when I venture into online dating. Please, for the love of God single men, use your words! Not abbreviations!
Posted by andrea on August 5, 2008 at 4:17 pm
That is how they seriously type? If they did LOLCAT language then I might be hooked.
Posted by Pants on August 6, 2008 at 11:26 am
I’m taking a break from dating so I can focus on family dysfunction. When I was internet dating…the junior high text language guys bugged me to death. Though not as badly as guys who didn’t use any punctuation. Is it too much to ask that a man knows how to punctuate a sentence?!
Posted by jennifer on August 6, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I will be putting on makeup (first time in two weeks) for when Hubby gets home. I will also change out of this ratty t shirt and put on a blouse. And perfume. And earrings.
Suddenly I really want to hold on to the man that I have.
U no wht I mean? 2 good 2 let get away.
Posted by Aaron on August 8, 2008 at 10:24 am
Wow. That’s really the kind of insanity that you get from online dating sites? This makes me wonder why I had such poor luck with it. Although, who knows: maybe the women I was emailing would have liked that IM language.
Posted by Laurel on August 15, 2008 at 1:30 am
One of the very, very few things I will miss about living with my former roommate is her out-loud reinactments of dating site emails.
Rule of thumb: if you can’t use proper English, you are not the guy for me.