I’ve always been a fan of deer. Deer hunters piss me off. How can you shoot such a majestic creature? The way they hop through the woods, so graceful. Sure, it’s a little scary when they dart across the road at dusk, but seriously, that’s our fault for building roads through their land.
That’s how I thought until last night, when I came home, high from how great the swim went.
These used to be my tomatoes:
And my lush beets and spinach: (Not pictured: plastic fence that has been trampled.)
Gone. Every last one. Gone. Eaten. Left untouched: radishes and Brussels Sprouts, vegetables I’m not interested in eating but planted just because I was told they were easy. I’m so pissed. I actually had trouble sleeping last night because I was so upset. My next door neighbor, who fed Micki for me over the weekend, talked to me this morning and told me she was sad because her cat died on Saturday. I empathized for a minute, and then I was all, “I know how you feel, because I lost my beets!”
If I see a deer anywhere near me for the rest of the summer, I’m going to shoot it between the eyes. I no longer have any sympathy for those jerks. All the respect I paid them over the years, and this is how they repay me. So I guess after work today, I’m going to have to bend over my sore back and shoulders and pick up the pieces. Anyone have any suggestions? Is it too late to plant anew?
One thing that helps is that I’m currently listening to “The Worst Hard Time” in my car. It gives me a little perspective. Compared to what the homesteaders lost in the dust bowl of the 1930’s, a few eaten greens is not going to kill me. Back then, families lost their entire gardens when they were burned by the static electricity in the dust storms. And that was all they had to eat. I’m still in the position where I can pick up some pre-washed spinach at Stop & Shop. But still, if I see those doe eyes looking at me, my face is going to be the last thing those doe eyes ever see.
Dutchess of Kickball said,
June 23, 2008 at 9:04 am
I’m not sure if it is too late or not, but if you do replant you have to sprinkle coyote urine around your garden to keep them away.
Do you have any handy?
Ben said,
June 23, 2008 at 9:10 am
“I lost my beets!”
CLASSIC. That’ll be the epic, plot-turning line of script that leaves viewers of your life biopic changed forever.
Yeah, if that’s the low point of my life, then I really can’t complain.
Allie said,
June 23, 2008 at 9:13 am
Aw! I’ve lost some stuff to bunnies. And have always felt the same way — oh, they’re adorable! How could anyone kill them! I still won’t kill them, but I will spray hot pepper on everything to burn their little tongues.
Yeah, I have no moral problem with burning bunny tongues.
Kristabella said,
June 23, 2008 at 9:36 am
Fuckers.
Fo shizzle.
nancypearlwannabe said,
June 23, 2008 at 9:38 am
Wow, those deer really laid waste to your garden! Maybe they thought you had planted them as a gift? I wonder if they still would have eaten everything if you hadn’t gone to VT. I don’t think it’s too late to replant, if you get some plants that aren’t too young.
I wonder if they knew I was gone. Woke up this morning, and the place was untouched.
3carnations said,
June 23, 2008 at 9:45 am
Our garden has really taken off, and hubby put up a fence around it this weekend. The odds of a deer jumping our privacy fence to trample our garden fence are pretty slim, but I’m just hoping a rabbit won’t go under it.
Sorry for the loss of your beets.
I thought my place was deer-proof, but they just stepped on the fence and reached over.
erikka said,
June 23, 2008 at 10:13 am
it’s not too late to replant spinach or lettuce. maybe start some seeds inside and then transplant them if you can to speed up the process.
here’s a possible remedy, but it also keeps away good bugs so keep that in mind – mix one head of garlic (that’s alotta cloves!) with about a spray bottle full of boiling water. put mix in spray bottle and spray on your plants. animals don’t really like to eat garlicky tasting things.
good luck. if it’s not deer, it’s a groundhog or an infestation of aphids or drought. i think that is part of the draw sometimes to gardening – to BEAT NATURE’S ASS.
But she wins most often…she always does!
Thanks! I might try the garlic thing. And it makes me hopeful that I can possibly get beets again.
erikka said,
June 23, 2008 at 10:13 am
ps. if you wanted to build a fence to keep out deer it would have to be at least 8 feet high. They can jump anything smaller…it’s unbelievable.
Yeah, I’ve seen them jumping. But where in the world do you get an 8 foot fence?
lizgwiz said,
June 23, 2008 at 10:16 am
I read The Worst Hard Time not too long ago. The static electricity thing was unbelievable.
I know what you mean by feeling betrayed by things you’ve been kind to–I was so pissed off last year when I had the spider bite from hell that cost me so much money. I’M THE ONE GENTLY TAKING THE SPIDERS OUTSIDE INSTEAD OF SMASHING THEM! And this is they repay me?
Feel free to squish those spiders all you want.
deutlich said,
June 23, 2008 at 10:30 am
Oh goodness, that would upset me to the core.
Not happy about it at all.
courtney said,
June 23, 2008 at 10:51 am
Damn those deer! You should cap one and then leave it there in your garden to serve as a warning to other deer.
Wow, that was kind of morbid, huh?
Morbid, but along the lines of how I felt.
-R- said,
June 23, 2008 at 11:11 am
You have expressed my exact feelings about bunnies.
Yeah, I’m not a big fan of them either, right now.
heidikins said,
June 23, 2008 at 11:15 am
While I was growing up the summers that we didn’t have a dog the deer would descend en mass and eat everything. But I was most upset at their chomping the tops of of Every. Single. Tulip and Every. Single. Rosebush. I can live without fresh asparagus, but the entire spring/summer with no tulips/roses (respectively) was entirely depressing.
xox
Why does it have to be every single one? And how does anyone make this work?
apollocreed said,
June 23, 2008 at 11:26 am
Time to kick some ass.
Live-blog it?
I would if I wasn’t being slightly facetious.
cadiz12 said,
June 23, 2008 at 11:56 am
sucks! the bunnies get to our garden every year, no matter what kind of force fields we try and put up. next time i see a deer, i’ll give it the finger in solidarity.
Thanks!
Ann said,
June 23, 2008 at 12:58 pm
That’s exactly how I felt about the squirrels in Wheaton after they ate about 125 of the 150 daffodil and tulip bulbs I planted.
How do they know? Why are they so against sharing?
Man of Action said,
June 23, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Maybe now you’ll come around on the whole illegal immigrant issue, too.
And perhaps I’ll start denying evolution as well.
alexa said,
June 23, 2008 at 1:46 pm
son of a bitch!!! im sorry noelle, um maybe you can make a stop at the grocery store and pick up some more??
too soon to joke? yeah i figured as much.
No, never too soon to joke. I think it’s the grocery store for me.
bing said,
June 23, 2008 at 2:12 pm
That really sucks! I think the only thing you can do to keep the deer out of your garden in the HV is to put up ugly chicken wire. My neighbor had this amazingly landscaped yard that the deer would devour. He eventually put up the wire to keep them out. It looked ugly, but his plants survived.
Yeah, it’s an awful trade-off. But I’m telling you, these deer, they’re not letting any stinking fence stop them.
Laurel said,
June 23, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Oh no! That is the saddest thing I have ever seen. Stupid deer!
Maybe if they had left something…
Aaron said,
June 23, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Ah, so this is how hunters are born. Please post pictures of you in the cammo.
You betcha.
Stefanie said,
June 23, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Oh, man, that well and truly sucks. I’m sorry. I’ve never even attempted to grow anything edible in my yard, because I’ve never eaten a lot of vegetables anyway and because I figured the rabbits in my neighborhood would just eat anything I planted. I’ve been addicted to cherry tomatoes lately, though, and with you as my inspiration, I almost (ALMOST) got ambitious and tried to grow some. Yet again laziness serves me well in life. Yay.
I know, I’ve heard all the people complain about this before, but I always had a “not gonna happen to me” stance…
mickey said,
June 24, 2008 at 11:58 am
Last year, my dad tried peeing on his azaleas to keep the deer away. It’s supposed to work. Just an idea.
Also, love the joke.
I lack the equipment for that kind of thing. Also, you should hear the rest of the joke.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs, and no penis? Still no fucking idea.
Sarah said,
June 24, 2008 at 1:49 pm
That TOTALLY SUCKS. Seems like your little garden was a fun new hobby and a source of pride. What a shame. At least you threw in the dead cat vs. ravaged beets comparison to provide some comic relief for us.
I’m scared to even try growing anything because we have about 5,000,000 hungry bunnies frolicking around town.
Lara said,
June 24, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I giggled at the thought of you shooting a deer between the eyes. Heh.
jennifer said,
June 24, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Giggles!!! I needed these so much! Who would have thought I could smile and not have my face crack.
THANK YOU and your lost beets.
I know I shouldn’t laugh, but when you sympathized with your neighbors loss with “I lost my beets.” Shoot! That was funny!
Jen
jennifer said,
June 24, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Oh, and I have photos of my Hubby once upon a time with his deer kill. Do you need a copy for your new garden?
Chatie said,
June 24, 2008 at 6:18 pm
so sorry to hear about your vegetables