I’m sorry gentleman, this post is not about girl-on-girl action. It’s actually about a fight I’m having with my cat. If you want to go somewhere else now, I won’t take it personally. (That link is Daily Tannenbaum approved, btw, but possibly NSFW, depending on how much of a sense of humor your boss has.)
Before leaving for San Fran, I gave my cat a little flea and tick dip because she loves nothing more than a good romp in my garden, and I love nothing more than NOT having Lyme disease.
When I came back from San Fran, the cat had left scads of hair in every corner of the cottage, as she attempted to remove the offending dipped skin with her powerful hind legs. I wanted to give her some pet’ins to make up for it, but first I had to vacuum every corner of my home. Of course, this further terrorized her, since nothing scares her more than the vacuum. Except visitors. And thunder. And pebbles.
That first night, she was kind of huffy. And she’s been that way ever since, especially since I put down an edict that she’s not allowed to have people food, because it was making her throw up all over the place.
Her people food desires are strange ones. She goes nuts for the rice milk leftover from my cereal. Popcorn intrigues her, but she won’t have more than two pieces. Cottage cheese makes her go freaking nuts. I don’t buy it anymore, but she would kill her own mother to get a piece of vegan cheese. And strangest of all, she used to love waffles. Back when we were kids, my sister could make her run into the kitchen just by opening the freezer and saying, “Micki…. Waffles….” If I want to eat waffles in peace, I have to go into my car.
But since being denied these delicacies, she’s been a real pain in my hiney while I eat breakfast. She jumps on the table, tries to rub her head on the corner of my computer, and pushes her face into my bowl, no matter how many times I gently swat her away. Because I like blueberries, not cat hair on my Kashi, It’s been getting very annoying to say the least. But not annoying enough to make me let her have the food that so obviously messes with her digestive system.
A long time ago, a vet suggested that I get a squirt bottle and squirt her with water whenever she exhibits bad behavior. The theory is that cats can’t be disciplined by humans, but if they get attacked by an outside force, they consider it “the voice of God.” And while I’m a proud atheist, I’m willing to accept my cat’s kooky beliefs if it gets her off the table while I’m eating breakfast. So I finally bought a squirt bottle yesterday, and put it at the ready next to the computer.
As soon as she heard the spoon on the bowl, she was on the table. Squirt! She jumped off that table so fast, she also knocked off my purse and a stack of bills. To show her no hard feelings from me, it’s just that squirt-bottle God acting up again, I gave her some pet’ins under the table. But a minute later, she was back. Squirt! More papers on the floor, cat gone. But this time, she never came back. I finished my breakfast in peace, got dressed, make-uped, and she was still gone. But then I was lonely, so I went looking for her to make sure she was alright.
I found her cowering under the bed. Obviously she wasn’t in my Sunday School class where we learned that “There Is No Spot Where God Is Not.” But Squirt Bottle God doesn’t punish kittens for being under beds. I tried to explain that, but I got a nasty look.
I guess the bottom line is that Micki does not believe in Squirt Bottle God, and figured out that it was really me who was torturing her. She spent the rest of the morning avoiding me, running away whenever I came close. It does make me sad that my buddy and I are in a fight, but looking on the bright side of things, I have joy in my heart to know that my favorite feline companion is also an atheist.
Posted by 3carnations on June 3, 2008 at 11:58 am
We used to squirt our cat for getting on the counter. He held no ill will toward us for it. In fact, he would get back on the counter within mere minutes.
Your use of the word hiney reminded me…At the campground this weekend, I couldn’t help but notice the brand name on the lock inside the bathroom stall – “Hiny Hiders”. It lived up to its name.
I love toilets and how they’re named.
Posted by courtney on June 3, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Squirt Bottle God. That cracks me up.
You’ve had that cat since you were a kid? How old is she? Maybe it’s just senility.
She’s 16, but doesn’t act it in the least.
Posted by -R- on June 3, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I have never had a cat because I am allergic, but I have heard of the spray bottle training thing. I have never heard an explanation of why it was supposed to work though. Interesting! And also hilarious.
I’m kind of allergic too, but I don’t let that stop me.
Posted by nancypearlwannabe on June 3, 2008 at 1:33 pm
“There is no spot where God is not” squicks me out.
You should have met the teacher who taught it to us. She was a trip.
Posted by SisterAlyson on June 3, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Be nice to her! She is scared of everything.
She also used to eat Cheeze-Its and yogurt. What a weirdo!
Yeah, almost anything dairy sends her up the wall.
Posted by Ben on June 3, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Ahhh…glad to know that other people are also plagued by what seem to be a motley crew of the strangest animals alive.
Yeah, they are strange indeed.
Posted by Kate on June 3, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I dislike cats and I have to admit that I found a little joy in your fearful kitty. I’m sorry. That’s my 50% evil right there.
My favorite part is where you were happy that she went away and then you were lonely and had to go find her. Isn’t that always the way?!
Kitty torture, in a controlled environment, can be entertaining.
Posted by Allie on June 3, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I think with the spray bottle training, it only works if you do it without the cat seeing you do it — so it wouldn’t work in your instance because you’re both right there. It also doesn’t work if your cat, like mine, doesn’t mind getting wet.
My cat will climb into an unattended bag of tortilla chips to lick the salt off of them (or chew them up and spit them out in clumps on the rug) but will not eat tuna fish. She also used to really like Tofutti, but will not touch milk. So weird. But not as weird as waffles. That’s just bonkers.
I hope you and your atheist cat (I love it!) make up soon!
I tried to get my cat into the tuna, but it was also a no-go.
Posted by Howling Hill on June 3, 2008 at 2:16 pm
We sprayed the cats twice each. Then when they saw us pick up the squirt bottle they ran. We don’t keep water in it anymore but still leave it where it’s handy.
My family cat, Kitty loved spaghetti-o’s but wouldn’t each any other people food. How weird is that?
Yeah, Micki, after one day, is already afraid of the bottle, even without spray.
Posted by jennifer on June 3, 2008 at 2:17 pm
My cat is an icing glutton. She licked the icing off the portion of a cake that I had decorated for a party. Some one else’s party.
My husband said to just ‘fix’ it and go on. I didn’t of course – I rebaked and redecorated a new cake. But I am careful now about leaving cakes sitting.
Jen
I’m impressed. I probably would have fudged it with the eaten cake…
Posted by Pants on June 3, 2008 at 2:34 pm
My mister attitude thinks that the world is under his control and loves the people food too. He goes bonkers for chicken noodle soup, any vegetable or bean that comes from a can and is particularly fond of popcorn. Though lately, he’s taken to swatting my chapstick around until it’s rolled away into a place where I will never find it again.
Yeah, when she can’t get good people food, swatting my personal stuff around is good fun for her.
Posted by lizgwiz on June 3, 2008 at 3:04 pm
The squirt bottle technique is effective for me in that it will stop any cat from doing whatever they’re doing for that moment. But they’ve never bought into the bigger picture–they know it’s me with the bottle. Actually, with some of them I don’t even have to squirt–just show them the bottle.
I used to have a cat who loved green olives. He’d play with them first, batting them around all over the house. Then, when they were good and fuzzy, he’d munch ‘em down.
Eww! Fuzzy olives!
Posted by mjgolch on June 3, 2008 at 3:19 pm
My Harvey has to sample every thing that we are haveing.Most of the time when we show him what we have he turns his nose and tail up and leaves.
I hope that you are haveing a Great Day,That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Nothing worse than getting rebuffed at the efforts you spend treating your cat.
Posted by bing on June 3, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I love how cats take over your house. Mine do the same thing. Sometimes clapping really loud and yelling “hey” makes them stop. I’ve tried the squirt bottle, but my boy cat doesn’t mind water, so it isn’t very effective.
My cat just stares at me if I yell at her. So annoying.
Posted by manager mom on June 3, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Hmmm… somehow, your cat and my son are psychic bretheren. He too is afraid of the pebbles/people/vacuum, plus a dental appointments, as you already know…
Yes, but I’m hoping that when your son is 16, he’ll be a little more rational.
Posted by erikka on June 3, 2008 at 3:38 pm
atheist kitties unite!
There should be a club or something.
Posted by freeandflawed on June 3, 2008 at 5:01 pm
This post made me giggle. Especially “Except visitors. And thunder. And pebbles.”
My cats don’t believe in the squirt bottle Gods either. I hate to say it, but they’re too smart.
Darn those smart cats!
Posted by Kristabella on June 3, 2008 at 5:33 pm
My cat has weird people food tastes too. They like any kind of lunch meat, salami, Doritos, string cheese, etc.
The water bottle doesn’t work on my one cat. I think he’s a masochist.
I could never imagine my cat just sitting there and taking it. But I can imagine her fighting back.
Posted by Brando on June 3, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Perhaps it would work if you used a golden squirt bottle?
I also love Squirt Bottle God.
I hope you mean the bottle is golden and not the liquid.
Posted by abbersnail on June 3, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Pierre and I are also in a fight today. He wanted snuggles at 3 a.m., and I pushed him off the bed. He then found a paper bag and proceeded to prod it with his foot until the Horse Whisperer threw a pillow at him. He isn’t speaking to me now. Somehow I think I’ll get over it!
How easily they forget when no one else is giving them love.
Posted by Meghan on June 3, 2008 at 8:04 pm
My old roommate’s cat decided she didn’t like me after I developed a horrible allergy and couldn’t play with her anymore. From then on, she’d follow me around the house and nip at my ankles whenever she got a chance.
Cats know how to hold a grudge.
Yeah, that they do. Micki never ever warmed up to Birmingham.
Posted by Ruth on June 3, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Tee hee hee… excellent!
Thanks!
Posted by Stefanie on June 3, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I can’t decide what is my favorite part of this post. That absurd link? Pebbles? The image of you eating waffles in your car? Squirt Bottle God and your atheist cat? I do not know, but you make me laugh, my friend.
The link isn’t that absurd, actually.
Posted by Z on June 4, 2008 at 7:18 am
At least my puppeh can’t jump up on the table (yet) but he’s definitely got the wanting-to-eat-everything-we-are thing down. Spray bottle? Might be my next purchase.
You might also want to try coins in an aluminum can. My sister shakes one at her dog when she does something bad, and it works like a charm.
Posted by alexa on June 4, 2008 at 10:09 am
haha. that’s one smart kitty!
and always got my old roommates cat with the squirt bottle. but i think the cat ended up liking it. weird.
When you see the cat opening its mouth to get the water, it’s all over.
Posted by mickey on June 4, 2008 at 11:26 am
You got outloud laughs on this one.
But now I want a cat too, so damn you for that.
Yeay! Everyone get cats!
Posted by apollocreed on June 4, 2008 at 11:49 am
Awesome post! I’m with Mickey – out loud laughs.
Also, I clicked on the link. I’m sorry, I had to.
I’m glad you did. Make sure to buy a t-shirt while you’re there!
Posted by Dan on June 4, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Pepples freak me out too
Posted by Sobe on June 5, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I use the squirt bottle too. All I have to do is hold it and show it to him and he goes running.