Can I bitch about something for a moment that doesn’t involve unreturned phone calls? I can’t stand having to swipe my own credit card at the store. Does anyone know how this trend began? I don’t remember there being an enormous outcry by consumers who couldn’t stand to let go of their card for the 2 seconds it takes a cashier to swipe it. But slowly, stores started adding those little “do it yourself” swipe machines, which hold to no standard. Sometimes you swipe up and down. Sometimes right to left. Sometimes the card is up, sometimes it’s down.

Now they even have ones that you “tap,” and in the 3 months that I had a “tap” card, it never, ever worked.

Sometimes, when you’re done, a harried cashier checks your signature. Most times not, but does it even matter? Has anyone ever worked in a retail job where they were trained in handwriting analysis? I change my signature all the time.

But even worse is when you have to sign with the “stylus” on some broken screen with pen on it from the jerk who used a real pen. Even if the screen is working well, I can’t get my signature to look right. Does anyone even check those, anyway? (This guy did a fun project to find out!) For me, the low point of stylus signing was at a 7-11 in Cape May, NJ where I got in a fight with a cashier who demanded ID when she didn’t like my signature match. I must have gotten pretty testy, because Birmingham likes to use it as a benchmark for my angriest moment. Case in point:

“What happened to your saucepan?”

“I threw it into the sink and dented it while I was upset with a friend on the phone.” (Maybe I’m starting to understand why this friendship is disintegrating.)

“Wow, you must have been as angry as the time you threatened to beat up that 7-11 girl.”

For the record, I don’t think I threatened to beat her up, although I wouldn’t be surprised if in Birmingham’s head the incident has become a full-out catfight.

But the point here is that DIY swiping makes me so annoyed, because I don’t understand the point. It saves me no time at all, especially when I have to then find the button for credit or debit, say “yes” to approve the transaction, and still sign something. It’s demeaning to the cashiers, who must feel like we don’t trust them to swipe our cards properly after they just scanned all the food we’re going to eat next week. I can’t see how it saves any time, since I always swipe wrong on the first try.

I think there is a solution, but it’s unpleasant. There’s also a little thing called “cash” that I’m thinking about trying. I’ll let you know how it goes.