Being in my hometown for two days does strange things to me. Most of my happy childhood memories are from summer camp, and definitely not high school. The town is pretty damn affluent and conservative (I think it might have the highest church per person ratio in the state.) It’s a place that’s meant for families, which means there is precious little for singles, and once kids get old enough to think for themselves, the first thing they think is, “now that I’ve made it safely this far, how do I get out of here?” That’s true for many other towns in Jersey. It’s a state where you grow up, leave for greener pastures, and either never look back, or return sometime in your 30’s to start a family and the cycle all over again.
When I’m back there, strange things happen to me. For instance:
I can’t help but tell everyone that I don’t live there anymore:
I got back from my work day on Wednesday and went to the town’s Starbucks to see if they had free wifi. I remember when that Starbucks was a dry cleaner. Not that I have fond memories of getting things dry cleaned when I was in junior high, I’m just proud that I knew it way back when. I’m pretty sure that Starbucks doesn’t have free wifi, but I ask anyway.
“Do you have free wifi?”
“No, not yet,” says the Starbucks teen. “We will be getting it soon.”
“In the next 5 minutes by any chance?”
“Not that soon, when the current contract ends in a few weeks.”
“Okay, do you know any place in this town that has it?”
“The bookstore used to, I think, but it closed.”
“I am painfully aware of that.”
“Maybe the library? But they don’t let you eat food there, I think.”
“Fine, I’ll just go back to my parents’ house and use their dial-up.” The kid kind of nods and starts to walk away, but before he does, I add, “That’s why I got out of this God-forsaken town!”
I watch television incessantly.
Sometimes people ask why I decided not to get cable for my current home. It’s because I have a problem. If you’re an alcoholic, you don’t keep beer in the fridge, and if you’re addicted to television, you don’t get cable. I had that revelation when I came home after graduating from college and couldn’t talk to my mother because The Simpsons was on. And it was an episode I’ve seen at least a dozen times. After getting back from Starbucks, I was drawn like a magnet to my parents’ comfy couch and started to flip through the channels. I couldn’t find anything, so I settled on “Dancing with the Stars: the results.” Watching reality TV is ridiculous enough, but watching the results portion of a contest that you didn’t watch is downright redonkulous. It’s akin to watching the medals ceremony of the Olympics without actually watching any of the games. I just can’t help myself, though.
I drive like I’m from Jersey.
Growing up, I thought Jersey drivers got a bad rap. Then I moved to the Hudson Valley where people are experts at the art of yielding. They also can work a 4-way stop like no one’s business, and have perfected doing the zipper when two lanes go down to one. (Not that we don’t have the occasional dumbass.) But driving in Jersey is every man or woman for his or herself. If you want to merge onto a busy highway, be prepared for some front end damage, and if you want to turn left across a busy street, don’t think that a car will make room for you, even if said car is stopped in a line of traffic. I hate that kind of behavior, but within 5 minutes of being on the highway, I’m all, “like I’m going to let you in, asshole” and “fine, if you’re going to try and pass me on the right then I’m going to drive right next to this 18-wheeler and not let you get anywhere.”
I do not eat well.
Never let it be said that my parents aren’t great. But the last time either of them used the stove or the oven to cook an actual meal was… Well, they moved to the townhouse sometime in 2003… I guess there was that Easter when I made lasagna… And sometimes Dad will cook grilled cheese… Uh, yeah, they eat out like every night. It stems from 19 years of running a bookstore, and not having time for dinner, I believe. Their fridge is hilarious. I’ve seen fuller fridges in college dorms. They do have the staples: Cranapple juice, one or two of whatever fruit is in season (they live near a farm market), milk, a Cadbury bar, batteries, and a Brita pitcher. The freezer has waffles and 3 pints of Hagen Dazs. The pantry has cereal, mixed nuts, canned soup and 2 kinds of Pepperidge Farm cookies. In the two days I was there, I ate from the Crannaple, Cadbury, Pepperidge Farm and waffle food groups, which supplemented dinner from the Italian food take-out group. I’m going to have to go on a week juice fast just to recover from two days of eating like that.
Preparing for a trip means pulling together every washable item in my cottage and packing it into my car.
There’s no laundry facility on the farm, but there is a beautiful washer-dryer set in my parents’ home. Every time I bring in my bags, my dad looks at them and says, “are you staying for a night or for a month?” Oh Dad, I’d love to stay for a month, but I got out of Jersey, remember?
16 responses so far ↓
Dutchess of Kickball // April 18, 2008 at 7:57 am
Your parents totally have the same fridge I do!
So glad I’m not alone!
3carnations // April 18, 2008 at 8:24 am
At least you don’t have to pump your own gas. Heh. Do they still have that law?
Oh yeah, that’s not going anywhere for a while.
nancypearlwannabe // April 18, 2008 at 8:41 am
Yeah, my parents cabinets are usually the opposite: stocked with so much food it’s like trying to pick from a delicious buffet. Is it any wonder I’ve been overweight for most of my life? Sigh.
That’s beautiful. Although, I gain so much weight because but for the random piece of fruit, there is nothing healthy in my parents’ place.
stefanie // April 18, 2008 at 8:48 am
My parents never cook either. Their cupboards and fridge are full, but not of anything any person should probably eat. They’re entirely unaware of expiration dates. Clearly they must have stomachs of steel by now.
Also, there are places where people actually merge properly and take turns like civilized humans when one lane goes down to two??? I had no idea the Hudson Valley was such a magical place, Noelle. Maybe I should live there too.
Yeah, for the most part they do well. I don’t know if I would go so far as to call it magical, though.
Allie // April 18, 2008 at 9:01 am
This was so much fun to read!
Oh man, I do not miss Jersey driving. I think my potty mouth was at it’s worst when I lived in Jersey. It changes you.
I totally understand the TV thing. We get network, but don’t have cable, and I still have a problem.
Oh, if I had network without cable, I think I’d just be angry all the time.
courtney // April 18, 2008 at 9:13 am
My parents also keep no food in the house and eat out every night. I always thought that was weird, but maybe it’s normal. Huh.
Exit polls of the comments section are showing it to be normal.
mickey // April 18, 2008 at 9:24 am
I forgot about the full-service gas stations. One of my least favorite things about visiting Jersey. I never know if I should tip the guy.
No need to tip the guy, just like you never applaud the singing at church.
apollocreed // April 18, 2008 at 11:12 am
my mom always makes me eat like crap everytime i visit her.
yes, she makes me okay???
Okay, no problem here.
Tara // April 18, 2008 at 11:34 am
So so so so so true! I MUST tell people when I’m home that I don’t live there, as if I am validated somehow because I moved very far away… the very really drives it home… no pun.
Exactly! I made something of myself, so that I could afford to pay rent somewhere else!
Deb on the Rocks // April 18, 2008 at 12:20 pm
My mom’s fridge is packed, but she doesn’t really cover many more food groups than yours, except maybe the day-old bread and frozen pizza roll categories. And eating out is “too expensive,” so, yeah, we rarely have the energy to do much more than watch TV when we visit them. Usually three tv’s all high volume on different channels throughout the house. Ah, home!
My entire inheritance can be found in about seven Bergen County restaurants.
erikka // April 18, 2008 at 2:09 pm
i think when my parents went over 50, they became blood suckers because their cabinets and fridge have barely any food. and they barely sleep. weird…
Aging and vampires… Connected in some way?
Aaron // April 18, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Amen on the TV thing. I lived happily without it for a year, and then as soon as Beej brought home a cable box for my room in Natick, I’ve been a junkie. I’m now happily enjoying my few TV free days here in Mara’s new pad before Comcast comes next week.
It’s coming for you… Coming…
The Modern Gal // April 20, 2008 at 11:52 am
You don’t have to tip the full-service dude? I never knew that! I’m going back to that last full-service place I went to and am demanding my money back.
Kristabella // April 20, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I’m the same way with telling people that I used to live in San Francisco and work for the 49ers. I tell everyone! And most people DON’T CARE.
Catheroo // April 20, 2008 at 6:45 pm
My parents love to eat too. And they love to feed me. Even when I say I’m dieting, it all goes out the window as soon as I get there. Grilled cheese, fritos, huge breakfasts and lots of beer. I don’t know what happens when I go through that door, but it’s as if I’ve landed at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
And then I need detox when I get back to my own place.
Laurel // April 21, 2008 at 6:36 am
When I am in MN, it is my MOM who tells everyone I don’t live there.
Coffee Shop Barista: “She would like a latte. She started drinking lattes when she moved to NEW YORK CITY.”
Mall Store Sales Person: “That dress does look cute. Let me ask my daughter who lives in NEW YORK CITY.”
Friend Who She Feels Competitive With: “Like my handbag? Laurel bought it for me in NEW YORK CITY.”
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