The other night, I had to go to the bank to deposit a $66 check (sadly, nothing to do with getting my money back from the IRS) and withdraw my usual $60 “fast cash.” In this neck of the woods, most of my bank’s ATM’s are drive-up, which sucks in my Saturn. I have to position the car close enough to the wall so that I can reach the buttons of the ATM, but not so close that I ram it into the cement barriers that proudly display the war wounds of many an errant vehicle. I think these drive ups are made for the SUV crowd, because using them makes me feel like a kid reaching for candy from the top of the fridge.
I went through the rigmarole of swiping my card, pressing the button for English (which is on the top left, damn it), entering my PIN, selecting “deposit” and requesting an envelope. While I was stuffing the envelope with my wee check, I noticed a shady character in my rear view mirror. He was scrawny and had a long beard with no mustache, which meant that he was either Amish, a Vassar Student, or a deranged serial ATM killer who was taking revenge on the world to compensate for his inability to grow hair on his upper lip. I weighed my options as I deposited the check.
If he’s Amish, then it would make sense that he has no car, but why is he using the ATM, and since when are there Amish people in the Hudson Valley? Maybe he’s a kid on Rumspringa, and perhaps he’s going to rob me once I withdraw the $60 just so he can get a taste of the badass life. It would make sense if he was a kid from Vassar, since at that time, I was using the bank two blocks away from the college. But those kids never leave that campus, so the fact that he was on foot at the drive-up ATM was frightening. What drove him off? Could be that there was some kind of incident at the college, and he was the lone survivor, looking for $60? And since I know someone who was once robbed at gunpoint at a drive-up ATM (a story that made me feel very self-righteous to be a car-less New Yorker at the time) I figured that there was a good chance he was a robber, even though he wasn’t a very good one because he gave me lots of time to get a good look at his face.
Whoever he was, I became pretty damn convinced that he was meaning to do harm, so I declined to withdraw the money, lest he make his move upon seeing the cold hard cash. I put the car into drive, looking in my rear-view mirror the whole time. I got a few feet away, and he walked up to the ATM and started making a transaction. I felt pretty stupid for thinking him someone sinister. But then I felt mad that he was walking through the drive-up ATM when there is a perfectly good regular ATM 10 miles away, and if he had just walked there, he would have gotten some exercise and not scared me out of my withdrawal. In hindsight, I should have waited for him to get his cash, reversed my car, hit him, and stolen his money. But a little voice in my head convinced me not to, and I guess that’s what 20 years of Sunday School will get you.
Allie said,
April 15, 2008 at 7:35 am
Damn Sunday school teaching you not to hit people with your car at ATM machines!
Dutchess of Kickball said,
April 15, 2008 at 7:46 am
But shouldn’t sunday school have taught you that there is good in the world and he wasn’t going to rob you?
The Modern Gal said,
April 15, 2008 at 8:19 am
I prefer the bank to just put an ATM in my house. That would be a lot safer than having to go to the bank.
3carnations said,
April 15, 2008 at 8:21 am
That would have weirded me out, too.
Was 20 years of Sunday School calculated due to twice each Sunday attendance for 10 years?
3carnations said,
April 15, 2008 at 8:50 am
Oh, and also – Our ATMs don’t have a language option. Apparently if you don’t speak English, you don’t get your money. Ironic, as we have a moderate amount of Spanish speaking families around here…
Hope said,
April 15, 2008 at 9:01 am
My sig other always makes fun of me for being paranoid and overly convinced that there’s death around every corner, but I say I’m being SAFE. I think you did the right thing- because if he WAS a psycho ATM killer then you would still be alive…although…I think you should have backed over his foot once you realized he wasn’t sinister- it’s the least he could do for giving you cause for concern (and making you THINK so hard) while you’re just trying to get your deposit on.
erikka said,
April 15, 2008 at 9:13 am
Noelle, you funny.
-R- said,
April 15, 2008 at 9:33 am
I think the lack of a handlebar mustache was supposed to let you know he was not sinister.
mickey said,
April 15, 2008 at 10:02 am
There are plenty of reasons to fear the Amish, especially one that’s off the reservation.
Is “off the reservation” a racist phrase? Never thought about it.
Aaron said,
April 15, 2008 at 10:15 am
It’s true: I didn’t go to Sunday school, and I definitely would have gone back, run him over, and taken his $20.
Jenn said,
April 15, 2008 at 10:17 am
“In hindsight, I should have waited for him to get his cash, reversed my car, hit him, and stolen his money.”
Love it
andrea said,
April 15, 2008 at 10:23 am
I dislike the walker-uppers to the DRIVE THROUGH ATM. However, if they pretended to be in a car and acted like they were driving, I think I would be okay with it.
cadiz12 said,
April 15, 2008 at 10:23 am
i’m paranoid of getting jumped no matter where i am, and i can’t help but think that all that catechism has something to do with teaching me that there’s a lot of bad in this world. or maybe it was my dad. but he made me go to CCD, so isn’t that the same thing?
stefanie said,
April 15, 2008 at 10:36 am
Ha. I think Modern Gal is onto something. I’d like an ATM in my house, too. Except then, all the neighborhood sinister types would probably find out about it, and it would give them more incentive to break in and rob all my meager possessions. All right, scrap that plan.
Maybe seeing a shifty-looking guy lurking behind me when I withdraw cash would be the incentive I need not to withdraw any cash. I see a new budgeting tip in the works.
Pam said,
April 15, 2008 at 11:05 am
I would have had the same reaction as you. Except I probably would’ve chickened out and not even deposited the money.
Somehow if the walker-upper appeared in the daytime, I wouldn’t have been as cautious though. Go figure. I hope there are no thieves reading this now….
courtney said,
April 15, 2008 at 11:28 am
Hey, better safe than sorry.
When I go to the ATM, I have to put the car in park, unbuckle my seat belt, and lean my body halfway out the car to reach the buttons. It’s ridiculous.
Sarah said,
April 15, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I worry ceaselessly about pretty much everything in my life except for safety. How messed up is that?
nancypearlwannabe said,
April 15, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I probably wouldn’t have even noticed the sinister bearded man, got my money, been robbed, and then done the same thing again the next day. Growing up in the woods made me far too trusting, I think.
mike golch said,
April 15, 2008 at 1:14 pm
I don’t know about you,we don’t feel safe going to and atm when it’s late at night or on the weekend when there is no one else around except a scarry/sinister looking guy. we have had way tooo many atm roberys here.
Laurel said,
April 15, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Ha!
That guy SOUNDS super sketchy. I would have run for my life, too!
alexa said,
April 15, 2008 at 3:24 pm
whoa, that’s a lot of sunday school!!!
i’ve had that happen when i think people are going to be shady and then end up hugging a tree or something. but i mean you can never be to careful.
you totally lived a choose your own adventure right there at the atm.
Peter said,
April 15, 2008 at 4:10 pm
That guy sounds creepy. Thanks for sharing the 60 dollar adventure.
Ann said,
April 15, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I don’t blame you at all for being suspicious. (But then, I’m the Queen of Paranoia, so don’t put much stock in what I say.)
I have to confess that I’ve had to walk through the drive-thru ATM before. It never occurred to me that someone would have thought I was weird or shifty. (But then I’m Little and Cute and so non-threatening, I doubt anyone thought I was anything except weird.)
Lara said,
April 15, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Dude, I fucking love the Amish people. When Rob and I go to Lancaster (which we do for two purposes: to shop at the outlet mall and to eat at the Waffle House), we sometimes see Amish people in their buggies. I’m convinced that it’s good luck to see an Amish person.
Lara said,
April 15, 2008 at 4:25 pm
PS, I do not love scary dudes at ATMs. And also: when I first tried to post this comment, WordPress gave me an error message that said “You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.”
What? Is there a comment-posting speed limit I didn’t know about?
Poppy said,
April 15, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Maybe he’s participating in (oh, however you spell it) Romspringggaaaahhhhhhh.
abbersnail said,
April 15, 2008 at 6:12 pm
LOL. You rock. I totally freak out when someone creepy is near me at the ATM. In SF we don’t have drive-up ATMs, which means that people are standing right next to you. It is one of my least favorite things about living here!
wingtip said,
April 15, 2008 at 8:31 pm
i like this…..You could become my new reddit….
abbersnail said,
April 15, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Maybe it was Dave… http://www.blogography.com/archives/2008/04/69.html
Kelli said,
April 16, 2008 at 11:10 am
This cracked me up. I’ve totally run through mental scenarios like that…only to find I have a very over-active imagination. But, as others have said – better safe than sorry.
Kristabella said,
April 16, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I have 2 checks in my wallet to deposit that I’ve had in there for weeks that I need to go deposit. But my bank doesn’t have the drive-up option. So I’d have to walk or go to one in the ghetto with a parking lot and I’m just that lazy.