There are small differences between how you see the world when you’re in a relationship and how you see it when you’re single. For instance, when you are in a relationship, attractive young men of a certain age are people, and when you talk to them, you have a conversation. But when you’re single, those attractive guys are targets, and talking to them becomes a mission. One must be careful because cuteness does not equal date-ability, especially when you are as picky. Being the shy person that I am, I like to employ a small rating system before I make a move, which ensures I’m taking a chance on a good one. I practiced this on Saturday. Enjoying a half-hour break from my work, I bought an ice cream cone and took it to an outdoor courtyard to enjoy the near perfect weather. The place I sat faced the window of a shop which allowed me to see the reflections of the other people in the courtyard, including a cute boy in a red shirt talking on a cell phone and sitting behind me. He got 4 points off the bat for looking good, but not too good, in his red shirt. I listened in to the call:
“I just got a break from work so I thought I would call”
Talking so loudly on his cell phone that I can hear him without trying, -2 points.
“Sorry I couldn’t talk last night, I was shaping gnocchi when you called, and I had to get the sauce finished to time out correctly.”
9 points for kitchen skillz.
“No, no one special, just some friends. Mostly I needed the practice.”
Can I translate that to mean he doesn’t have a special someone to feed? 6 points!
“I don’t think I’m going to make a meal that big again without doing a roast or something. It felt like it was missing a centerpiece.”
Damn. Doesn’t get the vegetarian lifestyle. -8 points.
“So I wanted to call because I’m going to Mom’s next weekend.”
Visits his mom, 3 points, seems to be talking to a family member because he said “Mom” not “my Mom.” 1 point.
“Her place is just so much closer to JFK, and it will be easier to get the flight to Bermuda from there.”
World traveler, 4 points.
“Yeah, I’m going with Mom.”
Takes a romantic vacation with his mother. -10 points. (It would have been -15 points, but for the fact that I just booked a trip to San Francisco with my parents. I only did it because we’re going for a family reunion, so I’m giving him the benefit of 5 points in case he has a good reason, too.)
“I’ve got to get back to work, I’m putting in 50 hour weeks here.”
4 points for being conscientious about his career, and understanding that I’ll be busy all the time as well.
“Okay Dad, I’ll talk to you later.”
Child of divorce. Red flag, but I don’t want to hold it against him too much until I hear the whole story. -1 point.
He stands up and walks past me towards his place of employment. I look at his feet, they are shod in flip-flops. I do a quick check around, and we are not, in fact at the pool. -11 points, bringing him to a grand total of -1 point. Do not pursue.
So that’s my system, simple, effective, and usually keeps me from having to meet anybody new at all.
Posted by Dutchess of Kickball on April 14, 2008 at 7:44 am
I am totally ok with men wearing flip flops, but then again, put huge weight on the kind of car they drive. We all have our hangups.
You see, that’s why it works out so perfectly that we manhunt together. Cars mean almost nothing to me.
Posted by Ben on April 14, 2008 at 7:55 am
Damn…and he was doing so well too!
He was for a while, but I admit to being harsh.
Posted by nancypearlwannabe on April 14, 2008 at 7:57 am
Your system seems very, umm, complicated. Do you write down these points as you go along, or are you just mentally tallying them? How many point would they need to get the go ahead for conversation? Or is it more like, are they in the positive numbers? I need to know more about this, obviously.
Like everything in my life, I kind of made it up as I go along.
Posted by Howling Hill on April 14, 2008 at 7:58 am
I didn’t have a point system, it was more of a check list:
Car
Job
Long hair
Earring
Tattoos
I can’t tell if those are plus or minuses. The last 3 would be dealbreakers for me, which means we can go manhunting together without competition!
Posted by 3carnations on April 14, 2008 at 8:01 am
See, when he said he was calling because he was on a break at work, I automatically thought he was talking to a love interest. I don’t call my parents on my break from work, but maybe I’m the oddball there…
I was worried about that at first, but not enough to stop listening.
Posted by stefanie on April 14, 2008 at 8:33 am
Wow. You’re harder on these guys than I am! But I’ve been dating longer than you have. It probably takes more to faze me at this point.
Yeah, I haven’t made it all the way through my back-up boys yet…
Posted by Rachel on April 14, 2008 at 8:41 am
Child of divorce? You mean, there are people who *aren’t* that anymore?
Yeah, but they have this stupid club.
Posted by Allie on April 14, 2008 at 8:53 am
I’m totally picturing you walking around with a notebook like Harriet the Spy (from the book, I never saw the movie) and recording all of this.
Maybe that’s where I got the idea from, some childhood memory!
Posted by mickey on April 14, 2008 at 8:59 am
Allie just dropped Harriet the Spy on us, so now those memories are flooding back.
Okay, the rating system: Harsh. They always seem to have flip-flops, don’t they (or a symbolic equivalent)?
Yeah, you got to have some completely off-the-wall deal breaker sometimes.
Posted by Jennifer M. on April 14, 2008 at 9:06 am
Glad to hear that you were enjoying the dairy on a fine spring afternoon. I also like your nuanced point system which is more refined than the check plus/check minus (with no plain checks) system that my sister taught me – though I would have given the flip flops a check minus minus.
That was indeed one time when dairy was totally worth it.
Posted by -R- on April 14, 2008 at 9:42 am
Only 4 points for cuteness? You are tough!
I don’t want to weight the superficial elements too strongly. Except footwear, evidently.
Posted by apollocreed on April 14, 2008 at 9:46 am
women are insane.
And we do insane things. Deal with it!
Posted by erikka on April 14, 2008 at 11:05 am
You’re a tough cookie, Noelle.
Minus points for going on a vacation with his mom!?! Isn’t that sweet and thoughtful that he is still connected with his fam? And then the minus points for flip flops!?! Are you one of the strange breed of human that do not wear sandals…?
Like I said, I’m going on vacation with my parents, but going on vacation to a resort seems odd at this age. And I totally wear sandals, but I can’t stand flip flops, especially when it’s not summer and when they are on the feet of guys.
Posted by Pam on April 14, 2008 at 11:31 am
I totally do the same thing, but am not quite as defined as your point system. I’ll have to think about my point assignments the next time I’m out.
I might have made up some stuff as I went along…
Posted by arrbecca on April 14, 2008 at 11:31 am
Weigh the potential alternative before you rule out flip flopped men: sandals with socks! Shiver.
Oh yeah, that is a definite no. Thank goodness it doesn’t happen too much with the 30somethings.
Posted by courtney on April 14, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Another potential relationship foiled by math! Damn.
And not at all by my fear to talk to new people!
Posted by Alias Faux on April 14, 2008 at 12:48 pm
This is exactly why you’re writing a blog about being single, instead of actually being in a relationship.
Oh anonymous, so bitter, so lonely. At least I have a URL to keep me company!
Posted by cadiz12 on April 14, 2008 at 12:51 pm
i was pretty impressed by the gnocchi.
I was, too. There are thoughts in the back of my head to go back to that spot and see if he shows up again…
Posted by andrea on April 14, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I have to agree on traveling with mother as I’ve had quite a few friends who have dated men who are a bit too attached to mommy. Your list is hysterical!
Thanks! I hope there is a good reason for the mother/son vacation, but I couldn’t think of one for him.
Posted by 3carnations on April 14, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Dang. I thought I was the only one who got slammed by anonymous commenters…unless you have some latin-french friend I’ve never seen comment here before…
No, that’s either someone anonymous, or possibly someone I dated once. Either way, someone who lacks the balls to put down their URL.
Posted by Laurel on April 14, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Your math makes perfect sense to me. As happy as I am with AS, I judge other guys this way, too. It’s good to keep your options open, right?
For certain! You gotta make sure you still have it, or else you might lose it.
Posted by Kristabella on April 14, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I love, love, love men in flip flops. They are so much better, to me, than some ugly sandal.
My mom tells me I’ll be single forever until I stop being Jerry Seinfeld and finding such small things that are deal breakers.
That’s the thing, I don’t even get as far as the date before I reject them! And you too can have all the flip flopped men in the world. I’ll take the ones who wear closed-toed shoes year round, except if they’re at the pool.
Posted by Ann on April 14, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I do so love a good system. Yours sounds complicated, but interesting. Of course, there’s always the risk of missing a good one because of something silly. (Although I agree with you on the flipflops. Ewww.)
Yeah, I suppose I could be eliminating way too early. I just can’t help myself.
Posted by neuteronomy on April 14, 2008 at 3:31 pm
This is why I’ll never again get another date.
Just wear shoes, you’ll be fine.
Posted by the modern gal on April 14, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Whare are your all-time low and high?
Uh, -1. This being the first time I actually put the rating system into writing.
Posted by Aaron on April 14, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Flip flops should be an automatic pass, no matter how high the score.
Posted by kt on April 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I’m seeing a red shirt trend.
Posted by alexa on April 14, 2008 at 10:45 pm
HAHA!
that was awesome.
i’m thinking that pretty much i am going to be thinking of your point system every time i check out a boy from now on. love it.
Posted by mike golch on April 14, 2008 at 11:11 pm
well I’m glat that i don’t have to use a point system. Than again I don’t thinkl I’d make it in the dateing scene now if I was single,not to mention I’d fell like a dinosaur.
Posted by Anika on April 15, 2008 at 12:05 am
I cannot imagine where he could possibly work that he could wear flip-flops. Perhaps the flip-flops are his “break” shoes that he wears on lunch breaks b/c his actual shoes constrain his feet??? I know – I’m reaching, but I was really starting to believe in him . . .
Posted by Guy on April 15, 2008 at 6:46 pm
You are an idiot.
Posted by Another Guy on April 15, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Wow. Yeah. Definitely an idiot.
Posted by Girl on April 15, 2008 at 7:35 pm
She’s not an idiot. She’s careful. Guys with flip-flops are creepy.
Posted by Jesus on April 15, 2008 at 7:36 pm
No, she’s an idiot.
Posted by Ant Eater on April 15, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I hope she there’s ants in her pants.
Posted by Ant on April 15, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Haha. Stupid anteater. She douches (+10 pts.)
Posted by uhhhh on April 15, 2008 at 7:43 pm
this post pretty much sums up why men do not understand women. at all. a freaking rating system? seriously??
Posted by D on April 15, 2008 at 8:05 pm
this has got to be the most superficial analysis i have ever read. are u in high school?
Posted by filthy on April 15, 2008 at 8:07 pm
a woman who purposefully ventures out to eavesdrop is creepy.
oh i get it now -duh -
“I rent a cottage on a former Christmas Tree farm/women’s art colony owned by an old-school feminist.”
Posted by Stanley on April 15, 2008 at 8:07 pm
That’s my boyfriend….bitch!
Posted by Anonymust on April 15, 2008 at 8:08 pm
And women want to stop being belittled by men, but men can be completely sized up and down over such petty and trite criteria… Double standard.
Ditto. Idiot. Ditch the rating system and get a spine. Actually connect with people instead of rationalizing your fears into disinterest.
Posted by wingtip on April 15, 2008 at 8:12 pm
WoW…Kickball…..I usta love that game….let’s choose side’s!..
Posted by Mark on April 15, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Everything you scored was trivial and like 41 said you are a walking double standard. Hate to say it, but I’ve got 1k in the bank that says you’ll die alone as a miserable bitch wishing to god, she had someone warm beside you. Why don’t you try talking to the guy, instead of judging him “by his cover”. For all you know, there’s an hilarious story behind the flip-flops.
I myself, am old, not so good looking and would give any woman a chance, as long as she can put two or three words together in a coherent sentence. You tend to get that way, after years of being judged by your looks, and not what’s inside.
Good luck in your single life, you’ve clearly earned it….
Posted by Embarrassed to be a Girl because of you on April 15, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Wait, you’re still single? How is that possible? Maybe your shamelessly superficial/stereotypical/vapid stalker-esque style might not serve you well. Kudos on not having the cojones to strike up a conversation and attempt to see if he might be an intellectually stimulating human being. But I doubt that that’s one of your requirements.
Posted by geenyous on April 15, 2008 at 8:49 pm
keep it up – you’ll be 45 with your cats at home, still pulling this stunt, and wondering why you can’t find any guys who enjoy your sizing up the worth of individuals by any means *other than*, you know, talking to them.
on the plus side, it’s nice to know your genes end with you.
Posted by Wow on April 15, 2008 at 9:10 pm
You sound like a child. I hope you never get the opportunity to rate me.
Posted by Ike on April 15, 2008 at 9:12 pm
After reading that I think you should take what you can get.
Posted by Fredo on April 15, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Get used to living alone.
Posted by Fredo on April 15, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Also, because you use rating system is totally lame, -100000000 points for you.
Posted by Book Nerd on April 15, 2008 at 9:34 pm
You’re probably already aware of this, but comments 31 through 49 clearly originate with about one troll whose life is far more pathetic than yours or mine will ever be. This is why comment moderation was invented.
And incidentally, though I’m happily married (and dated my share of losers before that), your point system cracked me up. You are an awesome writer of your own life — you could be the next Sloane Crosley. =)
Posted by I speak for all men on April 15, 2008 at 9:35 pm
“Talking so loudly on his cell phone that I can hear him without trying, -2 points.”
-Listening in on conversations -4 points. None of your business.
“9 points for kitchen skillz.”
-3 points for spelling “skills” as “skillz”. Annoying.
“Can I translate that to mean he doesn’t have a special someone to feed? 6 points!”
-3 points for not having the guts to talk to a man and ASSuming everything.
“Damn. Doesn’t get the vegetarian lifestyle. -8 points.”
-Not understanding that men need a lot of protein and a balanced diet is the best diet. -8 points.
“Visits his mom, 3 points, seems to be talking to a family member because he said “Mom” not “my Mom.” 1 point.”
-Respect for not calling him a mammas boy. +2 points.
“World traveler, 4 points.”
-Hitch flyer, -2 points. (yeah, kinda like hitch-hicker… you get the idea)
“Takes a romantic vacation with his mother. -10 points. (It would have been -15 points, but for the fact that I just booked a trip to San Francisco with my parents. I only did it because we’re going for a family reunion, so I’m giving him the benefit of 5 points in case he has a good reason, too.)”
-Respect for not over-asumming this time. +3 points.
“4 points for being conscientious about his career, and understanding that I’ll be busy all the time as well.”
-He doesn’t know you or care if you’re busy because you haven’t talked to him. -1 point.
“Child of divorce. Red flag, but I don’t want to hold it against him too much until I hear the whole story. -1 point.”
-Most people are now in days… Deal with it. -2 points.
Posted by Karl Hungus on April 15, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Gnocchi and Bermuda with his Mom? He’s a peter puffer.
Posted by Shagata Ganai on April 15, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Ooooh, so clever. And devious. And utterly useless. Uplifting thoughts contemplating entering your cranium should be advised “Abandon Hope, Ye who enter Here.”
Good luck. Hope you like books and movies.
Posted by Alex on April 15, 2008 at 9:57 pm
It’s girls like you that make me hate going out in public, you judgmental bitch. I saw you sitting there, and I thought you were cute, but I’m really not into girls as homely as you. I hope you’re happy, my mom has cancer and this is one of the things she wanted to do before she died.
Posted by Ryan on April 15, 2008 at 10:12 pm
“I practiced this on Saturday”
You actually practice being socially inept? I hope that works out for you, although from what you’re writing…it’s not.
I often enjoy humorous writing, but I can’t help thinking that you’re not joking.
God forbid that someone on this earth would have flaws, or be imperfect, or actually be interesting as a result of them.
As some people have quite rightly suggested, why don’t you actually try talking to a guy (assuming you’re not too perfect for them), and stop over analyzing inconsequential trivialities with your insanely immature point system.
Posted by Matt on April 15, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Of all the girl friends I have, the neurotic/low self esteem ones’ romantic pursuits are life’s finest comedy of whores [sic].
Posted by Nick on April 15, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I was going to comment. However, I think Shagata Ganai’s message reflects mine albeit more succinctly.
Posted by Hal on April 15, 2008 at 10:36 pm
What a shallow person. You deserve to be single.
Posted by brian on April 15, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Man, you’re not going to enjoy manhunting when you’re in the SF bay area. Flip-flops/sandals are everywhere, less so in the city because it’s like 10-25 degrees cooler than most places in the bay area, but still doable.
Posted by JamesP on April 15, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Are you hot? Because if you are, I might be interested in getting to know you better. Because it’s possible that I could get to know and like you anyway but it sure helps that you’re hot. Are you a cool person? Sane and rational (most women are not)? Awesome. But wait, you’re not cool? You’re superficial and shallow and I can’t really relate to you as a person? Well, even though you’re hot and this might not go anywhere long-term, we can still have sex. You don’t want to do that? That’s ok, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
-Guy rating system, no numbers…
Posted by gah on April 15, 2008 at 11:10 pm
typical american gutter trash. great for easy casual sex, but will make a terrible wife.
Posted by Robert on April 15, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Women are retarded…
Posted by apotheon on April 15, 2008 at 11:14 pm
No, “Book Nerd”, those aren’t all from one person. You might want to try expanding your realms of nerdiness to encompass other areas besides dead tree media. If you understood the Internet a little better, you might realize that perhaps dailytannenbaum.com has become known to an online community website somewhere, and all these people are coming here from that site to read and comment on the vapid shallowness of this “rating system”.
Such an online community site is where I found this, after all.
Posted by Everyone Else on April 16, 2008 at 12:02 am
Idiot.
Posted by Everyone Else on April 16, 2008 at 12:03 am
http://reddit.com/info/6fwt5/comments/
Posted by Matt Sandy on April 16, 2008 at 12:05 am
You have been getting a lot of traffic from reddit.com. I thought I would let you know why there is a sudden influx. As far as your rating system, I really have to say I do not like the fact you judge people based on if their parents are together. Also, you didn’t even realize that if the guy able to bring up the other parent in a conversation with one of his parents they don’t seem to be very bitter about the divorce.
I am also going to add the -8 on vegetarian lifestyle was uncalled for. If he is cooking for omnivores then why not prepare a meal based on their diet. Who says he would not prepare a vegetarian meal for you? Unless you eat as much as the 6 or so people he was probably cooking for you shouldn’t have a problem. From your own quotes, “a meal that big.”
I have dated vegetarians and have many vegetarian friends, we have no problem when deciding on what to eat, most Thai, Mexican, and Indian food all have good vegetarian options.
Posted by K on April 16, 2008 at 12:10 am
For further trashing: http://reddit.com/info/6fwt5/comments/
Posted by holy.. on April 16, 2008 at 12:13 am
Women like you should be banned from reproduction; not that any guy who isn’t a complete loser would sleep with you anyway.
Posted by Reddit on April 16, 2008 at 12:16 am
Doesn’t get the vegetarian lifestyle. -8 points
WTF? You don’t have to be a vegetarian to “get” the “lifestyle”. I “get” art, yet I don’t paint. I “get” Buddhism, but I’m not a Buddhist.
Just calling it what it is and saying, “Not a vegetarian, -8 points,” would make you looks like less of a moron.
Takes a romantic vacation with his mother. -10 points. (It would have been -15 points, but for the fact that I just booked a trip to San Francisco with my parents. I only did it because we’re going for a family reunion, so I’m giving him the benefit of 5 points in case he has a good reason, too.)
So:
1. a trip to Bermuda automatically qualifies as a “romantic vacation”? Just because it might be romantic if he took you doesn’t make the vacation automatically romantic in every situation.
2. You were just praising him in the previous paragraph for being a “world traveler”, but when he demonstrates that he thinks of traveling as being so commonplace that he has no qualms taking his mother to Bermuda, you dock him points for it?!
3. You have to justify going somewhere with your parents by saying “I only did it because we’re going for a family reunion”? Now you’re just being a bitch. -15 points.
4 points for being conscientious about his career, and understanding that I’ll be busy all the time as well.
The fact that he works 50 hours doesn’t mean he’d understand if you did the same. He may demand that you stay home and make sandwiches and babies (not necessarily in that order), while he ignores you because he’s too busy working.
Child of divorce. Red flag, but I don’t want to hold it against him too much until I hear the whole story. -1 point.
So now you’re docking him points for stuff his parents did? Take that whole “sins of the father” thing pretty seriously, don’t you?
Let me rephrase this article for people who are of the opinion that “tl,dr” (or who just hate crappy blogs):
“I make up arbitrary point values for random attributes (real and imagined) of cute boys in an attempt to claim that my unwillingness to just fucking talk to people is the result of a well-reasoned, logical system, rather than a crazy manifestation of my own insanity.”
Posted by Adriyel on April 16, 2008 at 12:24 am
Pathetic wretch. You evaluated something as deep and complex as a potential mate based upon what could possibly be described as the most petty attempt to reduce human life to a peurile summation of the worth of a man.
You represent everything in humans I hate, but most especially in women. I know my share of men who are shallow and do nothing but discuss the ever fascinating metric of Hot vs. Not Hot, but this takes the proverbial cake of pettiness.
I’ve seen several commentators recommending some variety of punishment having to do with dying cold and lonely or something clichè like that.
No no, no such condemnation of future ennui and chilliness is at all necessary.
Noelle, by virtue of the fact that you live and breathe, and undermine the feminist movement with every vapid thought that graces that insipid puddle of organic matter you call a brain is punishment enough.
You are the embodiment of any imaginable causation of misanthropy and misogyny.
If I believed in Hell, I’d believe you designed it.
— Adriyel
P.S.
From the Human Race: Drink bleach, cunt.
Posted by Joe on April 16, 2008 at 1:02 am
I know what first question is that I’m going to ask the next cute girl that I talk to.
“Do you have an arbitrary rating system by which you rationalize your inability to strike up conversation with strangers?”
If the answer is yes, I’ll immediately be reminded of your superficial character personified via a blog entry and run screaming from the room as if osama bin ladin just popped out of a birthday cake with a bomb strapped to his chest.
More than likely, at some point in the distant future you’ll realize how much of your life was wasted lonely because you felt too unique and quirky and smart to really get to know anyone. By this time there will be no one to wipe your tears and only the low murmur of hungry cats in the next room.
Posted by JPS on April 16, 2008 at 1:04 am
This article makes me wish women would be more up front with me about their motives. Really, seriously, as one of the rare people left on this planet who cares about other people, I feel like I was ultimately wasting my time after testing the waters with like 90% of prospects. It would be great if I didn’t have to then weed out another 90 percent that I get past the initial forray with but are so disgustingly judgemental about superficial crap that they will never decent companions.
I’m a very healthy and well adjusted guy, and I’d rather screw a meat grinder than date a judgemental shallow person and waste a lot of time figuring it out, because both are nasty but one you get over with quickly. It’d just be great if women would kindly say, “By the way, I’m horrifically shallow and judgemental to such an extent that you will feel like you are basically fucking an attractive animal if you end up with me.”
I wouldn’t accuse the blog poster of being horrifically judgemental and shallow. Really. But if she can’t see how shallow and vain her system is in hindsight, she probably is. Sadly, I wouldn’t be surprised either way; welcome to America.
><
Posted by k on April 16, 2008 at 1:13 am
Yeah, she’s being facetious. For those of you that can’t tell that from her responses to early comments, or think that anyone would develop a system that had a predetermined number of points for gnocchi preparation, or are hateful morons.
Posted by Lueshi on April 16, 2008 at 1:17 am
yeah reddit isn’t the only site that’s got wind of this
haha this is hilarious… I cracked up when that one poster suggested that all these posts were the same person. guess when you’re surrounded by people all holding the same opinion, when you experience anything to the contrary your denial circuits kick in.
Posted by blindmonk on April 16, 2008 at 1:17 am
Gives negative points because someone’s parents are divorced.
-10 points.
The above post.
-100 points.
Posted by k on April 16, 2008 at 1:19 am
Aw, too slow.
Posted by Miles Long on April 16, 2008 at 1:22 am
Dumbest.blog.ever!
Posted by TheRedShirtGuy on April 16, 2008 at 1:26 am
and you wonder why you’re still single!
Posted by haha on April 16, 2008 at 1:34 am
Jesus, guys, calm down… are you all single and frustrated or what? It’s a goddamn witchhunt you have here. So a girl has a system to excuse herself from talking to cute guys – FINE, so be it. Okay, so she doesn’t think eating flesh is nice. It’s her choice (albeit I, myself, can’t live without eating some dead animals’ flesh). Okay, she writes a crappy blog. So what – most of people do – and you, you, dear commentators, are a bunch of “holier-than-thou” losers.
There, it had to be said.
Posted by CertifiablySane on April 16, 2008 at 1:41 am
- 5000 points for trying to objectify, categorise and measure someone based on a one sided, 3 minutes conversation and your obviously biased views.
Posted by adam on April 16, 2008 at 2:06 am
SERIOUSLY, go back and re-read your article in 25 years. it will make total sense why you are ALONE and/or divorced (get a red flag ready for your kid!).
Posted by Ben on April 16, 2008 at 2:27 am
You people are cowards. Condemning a person so completely because of her idle thoughts. While I agree that her post is a bit silly and perhaps ill-considered to share with the anonymous masses, the kind of hate being spewed here is senseless and sadistic. Anonymity+audience+normal person = total dickwad. I bet not one of you would have the balls to say any of this to her face. Internet tough guys.
Posted by Confused by humans on April 16, 2008 at 2:34 am
Reading stuff like this makes me unbearably depressed. I hope you realize that just now, your thoughts slightly diluted the meaningfulness I created for my existence. I hope that deep down there is a fundamental difference between us.
Good luck.
Posted by Hi Ben! on April 16, 2008 at 3:00 am
Ben, the negative comments on this blog have nothing to do with anonymity and everything to do with a stupid bitch spewing her bullshit.
Posted by Chris on April 16, 2008 at 3:12 am
I think you should give more thought to what things are important for finding a good partner, if you’re looking for something like a lasting relationship.
Posted by udh on April 16, 2008 at 3:32 am
well, judge not lest ye be judged.
You write about how you shallowly judge men and some nerds with impotent nerd rage show up flinging feces everywhere, frothing at the mouth for the chance to judge you back.
Alot of people are just spewing knee jerk hatred here, and for all we know this little story is completely made up. Who remembers an eavesdropped conversation word for word and writes about it on their blog?
Posted by Manley Power on April 16, 2008 at 3:34 am
Luscious. I don’t wear flip flops–they’re creepy looking. Wing tips are much more the thing. I don’t date my mom, and I do make gnocchi. My parents are not divorced (but I am).
Yes, it would be nice actually to meet someone and enjoy a romance, and lots of wild sex too. But it is so much easier to speculate. Because, face it, you’re going to get hurt once you do actually meet someone–yes you are–even if you stay together, it isn’t all good times. It will hurt sometimes and you’ll think about leaving, and maybe you will. Or he will. It’s a lot safer just to think about it and rate them, so you don’t have to take the risk.
But one day you will meet someone whom you will not be able to resist. May it go well for you that day. I met such a person, and we spent 18 joyous months together before we were driven apart by circumstance and ghosts of the past. My heart aches for her daily. I dream of her every night. Yet I must go on. Prepare for that day, and don’t let anything come between you.
Posted by Donal on April 16, 2008 at 3:46 am
That my friend is why you’re single
Posted by Manley on April 16, 2008 at 4:07 am
Please stay single!
Posted by #87 on April 16, 2008 at 4:42 am
MANLEY POWER? Is that really you?!!@!11
Posted by yes you on April 16, 2008 at 4:48 am
Have you ever considered that your single because you’re a shallow cow?
Posted by LOL@you on April 16, 2008 at 5:26 am
I love how you pretend to have standards other than
1. Has money?
2. Looks good?
3. Makes me cum?
You’re pathetic for pretending otherwise. Fortunately enough, men with the slightest inkling of intelligence can see you coming a mile away. They’ll avoid you like the plague or suck you emotionally dry and leave you out in the cold. You’ll most definitely end up stuck with some jackass as shallow and vacuous as yourself, or some wimp to be your lapdog and will rush to your beck and call even after you fuck half his friends in a desperate attempt to justify your flaccid femininity.
You deserve it!
Posted by NEVARFORGET on April 16, 2008 at 6:22 am
Wow, what a judgmental bitch you are.
Posted by Realitista on April 16, 2008 at 6:46 am
You are a sad, sad individual and I pity the man that gets stuck with you. I hope you’ve got some tits and ass to fall back on, because no one is going to date you for your personality.
Posted by Largehuge on April 16, 2008 at 7:16 am
What? An uptight vegetarian?
Posted by Bpill on April 16, 2008 at 7:18 am
You’ll never know what you had until you run into a car accident.
Posted by Thinglonger on April 16, 2008 at 7:20 am
A great excuse for being single when you’re a bitter ugly harpy.
Posted by Red Shirter on April 16, 2008 at 7:27 am
Sounds like the guy dodged a bullet.
Posted by John on April 16, 2008 at 7:31 am
Evaluating people on a point system is a negative contribution to the progress of humanity.
Posted by Dutchess of Kickball on April 16, 2008 at 7:42 am
Holy crap, you opened a serious can of worms here.
Posted by Mike on April 16, 2008 at 7:51 am
You sound like a major bitch. -100 points.
Posted by Jeff on April 16, 2008 at 8:09 am
And men like me (an engineer, alpha geek) get accused of being too “analytical”! LOL
I’ve never been able to use my skills to judge the opposite sex – it doesn’t work for me. My “system” is a mystery to me. I know generally what I like or not but even if you lined up a dozen women all with 10-of-10 on my top 20 likes and 1-of-10 on my top 20 dislikes, it’s just as likely I wouldn’t be attracted to any of them as not.
Knowing this I don’t really try to “screen” much except going by 1) do I have time right now, and 2) am I in the mood to be garrulous – and I don’t trust the latter much. Otherwise I go with the moment and assume I’ll figure out the attraction as I go.
Posted by ouch on April 16, 2008 at 8:13 am
Man. All this does is prove something I’ve long suspected – normal looking single girls looking for a relationship unsuccessfully are still single because there is something seriously, insanely wrong with them, which scares off everybody who considers dating them.
Note that you are on reddit.com, with 191 comments so far: http://reddit.com/info/6fwt5/comments/
I’d like to point out that if you do have such a arbitrary system of picking out people, well, you deserve to be alone.
Posted by John on April 16, 2008 at 8:18 am
What a shame. There is a difference between being picky and judgmental. Too many women suffer from a lack of wisdom, or lack of ‘street smarts’.
Instead of being judgmental, become less naïve.
Posted by john on April 16, 2008 at 8:25 am
wow, good job staying single…
but pretty soon you won’t be single anymore. just old and alone. give it time <3
Posted by Earl on April 16, 2008 at 8:54 am
I am almost speechless after your post.
I used to have family in bermuda and when we visited we would gather at a hub and fly out from there as a family. What you assumed to be a ‘romantic vacation’ with his mother could easily have been a trip to see relatives.
-20 points for you for making wild assumptions.
Posted by howsad on April 16, 2008 at 8:57 am
How sad that you live your life judging everyone! You knew nothing about that man yet you seemed to work out if he was suitable for you! What a stupid a pathetic past time you have.
Heres mine
“see nice girl, decide not to like her cos she’s not running over to me and saying how she wants to go out with me”
Posted by stefanie on April 16, 2008 at 9:01 am
Are you KIDDING me, people?!? Recognize a flip train of thought for what it is. Noelle does not seriously enforce some superficial rating system on men, and if you read more than this one post, you would know that. Ever hear of satire?
And even if she did impose said rating system, I fail to see why it means she should “eat bleach” or why she clearly must have designed hell.
Get a life, people. And a sense of humor, too.
(Noelle, I can’t believe I just played into all this nonsense by actually posting a response, but good LORD. Please don’t take to heart a single word these idiots typed.)
Posted by highlight me on April 16, 2008 at 9:16 am
Haha, stupid slag.
Posted by Natasha on April 16, 2008 at 9:16 am
“So that’s my system, simple, effective, and usually keeps me from having to meet anybody new at all”
Not really effective now is it?
And horrible of you to judge someone for being a child of divorce. I noticed all of your “negative ratings” had significantly higher numbers than the way you valued positive things.
There’s thing thing… called high-maintenance…
Posted by The Guy In Red Shirt on April 16, 2008 at 9:57 am
“Girl who listens in to other peoples conversations and can’t mind her own business.” -2 points.
“Able to blog and use the internet”. 9 points for blog skillz
“Girl IRL on the internet”. 6 points!
“Somebody who is materialistic and specifically listens out to see how many hours I work. How much I make, and where I travel from. In order to even consider dating me in the back of her delusional mind.” -18 points
“Judges a person based on if their parents are divorced. As if a person can’t make their own destiny. These girls normally label everybody in life and suffer from a case of ignoramus”. -101588 points
“Girl thinks she knows something about vegetarian lifestyle and judging another person for eating meat. When she is sucking away on an unhealthy dairy ice cream cone. Most likely means she just likes to act elitist but doesn’t have a clue about health.” -666 points
Well that’s my system. As you can see this chick scored -1519071086376137900137613061.
However, since I am a guy that still falls within my range of standards. Call me!
Posted by M on April 16, 2008 at 10:09 am
Hi
Posted by Russ on April 16, 2008 at 10:12 am
If you run into the guy again, make sure the first thing you ask him about is the divorce… get “the whole story!” Although it’s unlikely, it’s certainly *possible* that he didn’t cause it to happen!
Absolutely unbelievable.
Posted by loquacious on April 16, 2008 at 10:22 am
This makes me so ridiculously happy to be single. Really.
I’m happy I don’t have someone in my life trying to “change” me or otherwise manipulate me into someone else. I’m glad I don’t have someone trying to fix me or mold me to spec for their ideal fantasy “relationship”.
I’m glad I’m now wise enough and self-actualized enough that I wont put up with it.
I’m glad I’ve learned to tell the difference between compromising myself _to_ someone and compromising _with_ someone for the mutual goal of a relationship.
I’m certainly not going to make any sweeping generalizations or post any cheap epithets – but if I ever encountered a whiff of such incredibly superficial judgements I’d be so gone so fast I’d leave a glowing blue streak of Cherenkov radiation.
Posted by drjonez on April 16, 2008 at 10:28 am
You should read the book Blink. It has a lot of insight to this type of “slicing”
Posted by I am NEVER the voice of reason :) on April 16, 2008 at 10:37 am
But folks, look – we all evaluate people whether we like it or not. Few of us are quite so … organized, discrete, quantitative, foolish … but we all do it. Seriously – how many times have you not stood up to offer your seat to someone on the bus or held the door, then decided it wasn’t such a bad idea when the girl was smokin’ hot (guilty). You may not have been assigning points, but you were assigning points.
Is it bothering you that it’s a woman doing it, or that it’s quite so calculating? Seems she’s doing it to rationalize not speaking to him rather than something that’s set. It’s kind of sad really. Anyway think about why it bothers you so much – at least something good might come of it.
Posted by Lara on April 16, 2008 at 10:50 am
WHOA!!! Who ARE all these people? Noelle, I hope you’re ignoring all this. Frankly, I thought your post was funny!!! Jeez. People really need to lighten up.
Posted by Nemeth on April 16, 2008 at 10:56 am
Who do u think u are? SJP or someone from sex and the city?
Elevating yourself via a blog. -200 points
Posted by Dawn on April 16, 2008 at 10:59 am
I am so glad I didn’t have a rating system when I met my husband…
Posted by Brad on April 16, 2008 at 11:05 am
Great system, glad to see you’ve got some standards. Though there’s one I disagree with, I’d give him an extra 10 points for the roast, and I’d give you -50 for being a vegan bitch.
Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, but judging someone else based on their decision to or not to eat meat, that’s what’s wrong. He may not understand the vegan lifestyle, but you my friend don’t understand the food chain.
Posted by Kelli on April 16, 2008 at 11:16 am
WOW. Looks like several people have their knickers in all sorts of a twist over this post. Geez.
Posted by Lindsay on April 16, 2008 at 11:18 am
Perhaps protein intake (i.e. a scrumptious 8 oz steak) will help you realize that you obviously have problems. And although I see that you are TRYING to to be funny, I can see that deep down, there isn’t anything more you long for that familiar hand to hold yours, familiar lips to kiss yours and familiar arms to hold you.
I hope you find happiness someday, even if it means having a mere cat or a dog around.
Posted by Anonymous on April 16, 2008 at 11:58 am
Major bitch without a doubt. -1000 points
Posted by Steev on April 16, 2008 at 12:15 pm
She seems like an insecure girl, which are my favorite. I’d do her. Tits or GTFO. You gon get raped.
Posted by random female on April 16, 2008 at 1:10 pm
As a female, I feel compelled to defend my sistren. This woman is, for lack of better word, f*^king retarded.
my advice, stop blogging.
Posted by jess on April 16, 2008 at 1:13 pm
meh, leave her alone. she’s probably fat.
Posted by Ick on April 16, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Skanky and stupid – 1000 points.
Posted by Ick on April 16, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Oh – and looks like lots of people think you are a skank http://reddit.com/info/6fwt5/comments/
Posted by Mighty Ponygirl on April 16, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Oh, these poor men, all upset that their very existence isn’t enough to get you all aflutter at them. They have to come storming into your blog to make sure that you know they DISAPPROVE! SO! VERY! MUCH! that you would consider a man’s social and familial interactions before attempting to negotiate a romantic relationship with him. I mean, seriously, how dare you not be wooed by matters more serious than looks? How dare you attempt to imagine the long-term possibilities of dating someone who could have some serious compatibility issues before you disrobe and throw yourself at him? Have you not thought that these poor, poor men have been staking their entire romantic future on the hopes that some woman will stumble blindly into their clutches and not realize what monumental assholes they are until it’s too late and they have 2 or 3 kids together? By pointing out that many women do in fact evaluate a man’s personality before going after the coffee invite, you’ve cast that whole plan into question.
SHAME ON YOU!
Posted by Mermu on April 16, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Noelle,
This is hysterical. I hope you don’t delete these as I think it’s an interesting lesson in a) the stranglehold that political correctness has on our culture and b) man’s inate ability to waste time (If they are so incensed, why are they trolling sites to find blogs that incite them?)
mostly I think it’s funny whenever a person who says “Drink bleach, cunt” is giving another person advice on etiquette, dating ethics and well….anything.
Posted by mr rational on April 16, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Your quote “So that’s my system, simple, effective”
That system isn’t simple at all. Nearly all of these things that you assign arbitrary points don’t lead to any central idea/point.
I’d call this “the arbitrary point system” of dating.
I don’t want to date you.
Posted by abbersnail on April 16, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Wow. OK. I found the comments. These people have absolutely no sense of humor! Lord.
Posted by John on April 16, 2008 at 6:45 pm
>I look at his feet, they are shod in flip-flops. I do a quick check around, and we are not, in fact at the pool. -11 points, bringing him to a grand total of -1 point
Holy shit. Just as mankind casts aside the ineffectual and burdensome tradition of centuries, a new force comes to ensure conformity and standardized behavior: girls.
Seriously. Your fixation on this guy’s flip-flops, and the general fixation females seem to have on anything a guy does that isn’t The Standard Way Things are Done, isn’t just counterproductive. It’s childishly immature.
Posted by andrea on April 17, 2008 at 8:30 am
Holy sh*T! I can’t believe the number of hateful comments! If they had actually been reading your blog and knew your humor, they would totally understand this is tongue in cheek. I agree with Lara. Lighten up, folks!
Posted by Mighty Ponygirl on April 17, 2008 at 10:52 am
Trolls are like farts. They appear without warning, stink up the place and sicken those who occupy the space, then disappear without a trace.
Posted by Michelle & the City on April 17, 2008 at 9:22 pm
HAHAHA
i could NOT stop laughing reading this post. and it is SO TRUE. single? men are targets.
today, i went to happy hour with a friend of mine and i totally was scoping out our waiter. that is until i saw him from afar at another table and he was wearing…. crocs!! -100 points
i totally get you on the footwear
Posted by Marion on April 23, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Mermu:
>This is hysterical. I hope you don’t delete these as I think it’s an interesting lesson in a) the stranglehold that political correctness has on our culture and b) man’s inate ability to waste time (If they are so incensed, why are they trolling sites to find blogs that incite them?)
How about considering this a lesson in how men often have legitimate complaints about the way women objectify them? That, to me, is the lesson you should be taking. You can dismiss the complaints of the men in these comments, but why would you choose to do this? There is a lesson to be taken here if you are willing to listen.
Posted by sadieandleo on May 9, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Holy hell, I had to comment… I think it is hilarious that all of these haters like to pretend that they don’t do this same thing in some way/shape/or form when they meet someone. WE ALL DO IT and to pretend that we don’t is LYING!
Seriously.
I have to say though, if I had this much negativity on my blog I would have crawled under a rock and died. You have a backbone of steel and I am so envious/proud/ecstatic for you. Good job!