After all the craziness of the Harry Potter movie and book, I feel full to the brim with cultural relevance. Now that the book has been read, I have to replace its place in my heart with The Simpsons Movie, which will undoubtedly be the biggest event ever of the weekend. I’ve loved The Simpsons since the day my parents let me put a TV in my room and I watched the entire lineup of the fledgling Fox network on a nightly basis. (That’s part of the reason I slept through most of fifth grade.)

Sidenote – The original Fox lineup had a show called “Women in Prison.” Whenever I watched that show, my dad would scoff and get this kind of disturbed look on his face. He said that it had to be a terrible show. I asked him how he could know that if he never even saw it. He said, “you can tell by the title alone.” I didn’t get that, because in my mind, if you had a situation comedy centered around a women’s prison, what else would you name it? I made a mental note to remember that exchange when I was older, to see if I could figure out what was so bad about that show title. I must have been in my early 20’s when that memory came back to me, and I was like, “oh… THAT IS a bad title! And completely inappropriate for a 5th grader!” It’s too bad I said that aloud on the film set where I was working, because I think the director heard me and perhaps thought I was talking about his badly named movie. Although to be fair, “Vodka Rocks” is, in fact, a very bad title. End Sidenote.

I don’t know if I got all the jokes of The Simpsons when I was younger, but I would watch the show religiously anyway. I can recall more than one tense family dinner and race to the kitchen T.V. set after the show became syndicated at exactly the same time as Jeopardy!, the only television show (other than Siskel & Ebert) that my parents would literally step over my dead body to watch. Usually, whoever got to the television first got to pick the show, but there was lots of cheating and suspicious channel changing during commercial breaks.

For about 10 years, my every Sunday was centered around making sure I was near a television at 8:00 for the new episode. That was until the fateful fall when I studied abroad and missed the first half of Season 10. Although a friend had taped every episode for me when I came back for the spring semester, I learned that life could go on if I missed an episode. Eventually, I graduated college and decided that I needed to live without television, and I have henceforth only caught the occasional new episode in the past 8 years. I’m okay with that, because I think they really hit their stride in the mid-90’s, and the new episodes will never compare. While I don’t feel as strongly as Birmingham, who will claim that “The Simpsons is dead to me,” I’m okay with not being up-to-date, as long as I know the DVD will eventually emerge.

However, this movie is something completely different. It’s unmissable. It’s rendered in full color. It’s got all the best jokes that have been saved for years. (Much like the new Harry Potter book) it has nudity. I have to pay to see it. I will not be watching alone in my bedroom. 7-Eleven is selling Squishees and Buzz Cola and pink donuts right now. Best of all, the movie website people set up an avatar creator so that I can animate Birmingham and myself:

What do you think? I’m glad I was able to capture the waviness of Birmingham’s hair, and dress myself in an homage to Lisa and Apu’s choice to forgo meat. The problem is that I’m no photoshop wiz, so I have no clue how to make these images appear without all the copyright info and logos. UPDATE: The lovely and amazing Grey Boy was able to provide me with logo-free copies. Thanks! Also, you only get to chose from three adult body types, and it doesn’t let me show you just how cute Birmingham’s butt really is. It’s also rare that either of us stand at attention like that. But hey, as far as curvy yellow figures go, I think I captured something.

A while ago, I asked Birmingham if he minded that I talk about him and post pictures of him. His response was, “I’m just glad you don’t use my real name.” I hope this doesn’t make him mad, either, because I totally choo-choo-chose him.