The Daily Tannenbaum

I didn’t sleep well last night. My neighbor and I stood in the front yard at dusk and watched at least a dozen bats emerge from a part of the roof that connects our two homes. We’re going to make her roommate go up on a ladder tonight and plug that hole, you know, right after dark, when they’re all gone hunting and it’s really safe to be on top of a roof. Welcome to the farm!

So as these bats fly in and out, they screech. I’m in my bed, and I know that they’re not inside, but the screeching is unnerving. Even though everyone and their mother has reassured me that they’re not dangerous and they eat bugs and all these other platitudes that I know, I can’t help but think if they would just purr instead of screech, they might not get such a bad rap.

Speaking of purring, the other thing that kept me awake was the fact that it’s hot and humid in my un-air-conditioned home. On top of that, the cat likes to come and go as she pleases, alternating between warming my side until it’s roasting uncomfortably, and hopping back on to the floor with a thump to cool her body on the wood. Her leaping on and off the bed wasn’t my only hindrance last night. Every time I went to drift off to sleep, these things, and thoughts of these things would awaken me:

Screeching bats
Jumping cats
Fears of rats
Heartburn caused by trans-fats
Sore lats (I went to the gym last night)
Flying gnats
Kickball stats
The seventh book of the Harry Potter series.

Did I mention that I’m terribly excited about this? Did I mention that I was in an office in an undisclosed location for an undisclosed amount of time with an undisclosed amount of the book in sealed boxes just yards from my desk? (I think the affidavit allows me to say at least that much…) I probably could have gotten a copy before Saturday, and I totally would have read it if I could have. The anticipation is just so much, and I hate the thought that some 5th grade speed reader will know the ending before me. But I would never tell what happened and ruin that magic for others. I mean, I’m not the motherfucking New York Times.

It might just be the sleep deprivation, but I’m totally angry that in today’s paper they reviewed the book. Way to take the fun out of it, folks. Do you think that there are teenagers everywhere waiting for the Times’ stamp of approval before picking up the book? Do you think the millions of people with pre-orders will care? Do you think we’re impressed that you were able to buy a copy before the on-sale date? I need a nap.

!Ridiculous segue in order to post a funny picture alert!
The last time I was this angry was a week ago when we were all at the bar after the kickball championships. Even though my team was eliminated while I was on vacation, I still went to see the action. I was trying to talk with friends outside, but Pantsless was taking pictures while standing on top of a chair. Every time I turned around to talk with someone, his crotch was in my face. So I took my anger out. I think this is my favorite picture of me ever: