Do you ever look for a seat on a bus where every window seat is taken and every rider has a row all to him or herself? If you have to be the first person to sit next to someone what person do you pick? Nine times out of ten, you pick me. There’s something about me, I look non-threatening, good-smelling, not intimidatingly hot, probably not wearing earphones that are blasting bass, and likely to suppress my rage that I no longer have the row to myself. It’s something I realized back when I was commuting to the city via bus every day, and something that I’ve become painfully aware of now that I’m swimming in the morning twice a week.
The pool I swim in has six lanes, and on average about seven people show up for the morning swim session. Guess who has always had to share a lane. Yes, even in a swim cap and goggles, and even though I try and swim in a very serious, flip-turny, don’t mess with me because I’m such a hardcore swimmer fashion, the last person to arrive always finds me in my lane and asks to join in. And of course I always agree because even though splitting a lane means I’ll bump into the lane lines, and get kicked while doing breast stroke, it seems rude to say no. It also means that every time I stop to take a rest I have to deal with Motormouth Maryanne.
Motormouth Maryanne is a lady who hopped into my lane one morning and started talking to me and hasn’t stopped since. She’s preventing me from breaking world records in Australia because every time I’m about to get going, she always has something to chat about.
Today, I saw her come in, so I said to myself, “I’m going to do 200 meters (that’s 4 laps or 8 lengths for you non-swimmers) of full out swim with flip turns and not stop so that she gets the point that I’m here to work out, not chat.” It almost worked but for the fact that I’m not quite ready to swim 200 meters full out, after finishing I had to make sure my heart didn’t explode inside my ribcage by pausing to breathe at the shallow end. During this time, Motormouth Maryanne swims up to me.
“Hey! Glad you’re feeling better, can you believe that I’m late again? I bet you thought you were going to have the lane to yourself. It looks like we’re the only women here today! The coach gave me a mean look for being late, but I told him it’s earlier than last time.” Then she grabs a kickboard and swims off, splashing water in my face.
By the time she gets back, I’m gearing up to do another round of swimming, and just as I’m about to take off she says, “So are you joining the Masters swim team?”
“Maybe,” I shrug.
“Yeah, I would do that, but I was talking to the other lady who swims here, you know, the one with the gray hair, and she said that it’s an additional $30 to join the Masters, and then you have to pay for the meet, and then you have to pay for each individual event, and you have to actually get to the race, and I have kids and a family, so I can’t just spend my money on anything that I want to, I have to think about them, you know?”
“Mmm,” I reply.
“Well, you’re lucky, because you don’t have a family, so you can do whatever you want and you don’t have to worry about what you spend your money on because no one else really cares, because we have to pay a lot these taxes this year but my husband takes care of all of that. Besides, then you’ll have to join the Monday Wednesday Friday group and it’s much more crowded there and you always have to share a lane with someone.” Then, she swims off ahead of me.
“Yeah, sharing a lane would really suck.” I say, brushing water out of my eyes and putting my goggles back on. I swim a couple of laps, and stop to get a pull buoy from the edge.
“I’m completely falling out of this bathing suit, it’s brand new, but way too big at the top here. Where did you get yours?”
“Target.”
“Really? I never would have thought to go there, I didn’t even know they sell suits, I got mine at the sporting goods store, but I guess that’s not a good place to buy suits if you’re a big girl like you and I are. I’m going to have to get some new goggles as well. Where are yours from?”
“Uh, the city. They’re prescription.”
“Wow! I didn’t even know that they made those. I would have loved to have them, a few years ago, but now I have perfect vision because I had laser surgery, and it’s the best. You should try laser surgery, my life is so much better now that I can see and in the morning I can see the clock, but I guess that doesn’t help me get to swimming any earlier ha ha!”
“Yeah, okay, I’ll look into it, right after I finish this set.” As I prep to do a few laps of backstroke, she dives off and splashing some water in my direction.
The only tolerable thing about sharing a lane with this woman is that I usually have to leave a little early to shower and get ready for work, so I only have about forty minutes dealing with her babble. But then, as I’m getting ready to go, she shows up at the locker room. “I see you’re using chlorine removal shampoo. Do you find that works? My hairdresser told me that the city water has so much chlorine in it, showering here doesn’t make much of a difference after a swim. But I guess you have to go to work, and I’m just going home to watch my children, and it doesn’t matter if I spend as much time doing my hair as you do. I guess I won’t see you next week because it’s spring break and the pool is closed, did the coach tell you that? He just mentioned it to me when he was telling me some new advice on improving my stroke, so I’ll see you in two weeks!”
In case you missed it, this woman is really starting to grate on me. But, I’m the strong, quiet type, and I prefer to get my revenge in a more passive aggressive manner. So now, every time she starts talking to me when I’d rather be swimming, I pee a little. It may be juvenile, but damn it feels good.
